Mum had diarrhea today, five times no less, which is very strange as she has not been eating much. In fact, she has been eating less and less every day. I may prepare something for her for lunch, and when I head home for a few hours to nap and return to the hospice in the evening, the same food is still there. It's happened for several days already, even today.
Though tonight I happily brought a feast to the hospice, partly because mum's youngest brother came to visit (second time this week...), mum threw up almost as soon as she took a sip of chicken soup. She did not eat the wontons I left her for lunch, and she barely ate any of the turnip fried rice or boneless chicken she so enjoyed just last week. Her taste is changing, her metabolism is changing. Her body is changing...
I sat with her for an hour or so before bed. Just sat next to her, held her hand in mine, and closed my eyes. I could hear her laboured breathing and the 'hiss' of the oxygen tube. In the room hung the scent of lavender and camomile, a new fragrance that one of the very kind and gentle nurses introduced me to. Mum did not say much, and if she did, it is almost a whisper (almost, so not even a whisper...): "I am so tired...." she manages to say, and I had to lean in close to hear her words.
I do not tell her why she is so tired, but even if I do not say anything, I think she knows it herself. She is the one with the body that is slowing down, she is the one in the body that is soon to stop functioning. So perhaps mum knows better than anyone else. All I can do is sit by her side, hold her hand like i often do, and meditate quietly: "Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammaasambuddhassa..."
I repeat these words often, silently in my mind, and wish mum peace and happiness, peace and happiness...
I end with the text I read to mum just before bed. It is very pertinent to our circumstances and what we are going through, and I could not have put it better myself:
The Great Teacher saw that all sankharas [conditions of the body and mind] are impermanent, and so he taught us to let go of our attachment to them. When we reach the end of our life, we'll have no choice anyway, we won't be able to take anything with us. So wouldn't it be better to put things down before that? They're just a heavy burden to carry around; why not throw off that load now? Why bother to drag them around? Let go, relax, and let your family look after you.
Those who nurse the sick grow in goodness and virtue. One who is sick and giving others that opportunity shouldn't make things difficult for them. If there's a pain or some problem or other, let them know, and keep the mind in a wholesome state. One who is nursing parents should fill his or her mind with warmth and kindness, not get caught in aversion. This is the one time when you can repay the debt you owe them. From your birth through your childhood, as you've grown up, you've been dependent on your parents. That we are here today is because our mothers and fathers have helped us in so many ways. We owe them an incredible debt of gratitude.
So today, all of you children and relatives gathered here together, see how your parents become your children. Before, you were their children; now they become yours. They become older and older until they become children again. Their memories go, their eyes don't see so well and their ears don't hear, sometimes they garble their words. Don't let it upset you. All of you nursing the sick must know how to let go. Don't hold on to things, just let go and let them have their own way. When a young child is disobedient, sometimes the parents let it have its own way just to keep the peace, to make it happy. Now your parents are like that child. Their memories and perceptions are confused. Sometimes they muddle up your names, or you ask them to give you a cup and they bring a plate. It's normal, don't be upset by it.
Let the patient remember the kindness of those who nurse and patiently endure the painful feelings. Exert yourself mentally, don't let the mind become scattered and agitated, and don't make things difficult for those looking after you. Let those who nurse the sick fill their minds with virtue and kindness. Don't be averse to the unattractive side of the job, to cleaning up mucus and phlegm, or urine and excrement. Try your best. Everyone in the family give a hand.
"Thank you..." mum said weakly when I finished reading for the night. I smiled at her, and gripped her hand. She responded and tightly held onto my for a brief moment.
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