Letter from the ex

My ex wrote to me finally today, several days after I wrote him telling him how confused I am about what he feels toward me and what he would like from me. I wrote him at times when I am sitting next to mum, I so wish I could tell her not to worry about me, because there is someone who will care for me, who will love me no matter what happens. But is that someone my ex? How can I tell mum something I don't even know is true?

He wrote back, saying he has always care, he still cares, and he cannot care any less. He said how these few months apart made him realise so much, and how lost he was without me, his "best friend, rock and confidante", and how he longed for me so. When I was back in Canada last month, though there were feelings of anger and disappointment because I shut him out during perhaps the most challenging period of his life, as soon as he saw me, hugged me, and smelled me, he realised he never escaped my charm....

It is touching, so very beautiful and touching to receive an email like that. But it is also frightening too... Why does he feel so strongly toward me? What have I do to make him feel this way about me? And how does his feelings compare to feelings he has for someone else? Why me? Why after all the disappointments and arguments, the silent treatments and ignoring his calls, does he still feel this way toward me? How sincere is he really, and can he show me how much he really cares and wants to be with me?

Maybe I shouldn't be asking questions. Maybe I should just be glad that I am loved, and that there is someone who cares so much about me. But I need someone who will do more than tell me he loves me and wants to be with me... I need and want someone who will be there for me, who will support me and carry me through the most difficult of times. Is he this someone? Can I tell my mum I have such a someone in my life, and that she can go in peace?

My ex's email has two installments, and there is another one coming. I am not sure what else he will write, or what else he feels he should let me know. Maybe he's just telling me all these things in the first installment, and will use the second installment to tell me all the reasons why he is not able to be with or cannot be with me now. Yes, there is a deep seated pessimist within me, but in any case, I shouldn't get my hopes too high yet...