Finally home

Three in the morning. Finally home. In mum's room, where I'll be spending my first night since my return here seventeen days ago. I'll be sleeping on her bed, on the bedsheets and using the blanket she used prior to entering the hospital three weeks ago. It's bizarre to think she went in and never came out again, at least not physically.

It's been a long seventeen days, and long evening. Almost two hours of chanting followed after we accompanied mum to the morgue. It was long, and brother got stung a lot by mosquitoes. But the chanting according to Taiwanese traditions will make it easier for mum to leave this realm and enter the other world.

Not sad. Strangely stoic, and haven't shed a tear yet. Maybe I'm just too tired now to feel. Too tired because last night was so rough for mum, and I slept only at three, and only for a few hours. Now to think of it, the memo the doctor gave us yesterday did say the last twenty four hours is the greatest struggle. Too tired also because since her passing at eight in the evening, there's been so much to take care of. So much paper work involved in checking out of the hospital, and then following traditions by accompanying mum to the resting place of her body until the actual funeral. It's not even sure when that will take place, within two weeks or so, but it all depends on which day is a "good" day for a funeral. And we've got the priest figuring that out.

I called my "little" uncle, mum's youngest brother, the one sibling mum is closest to. He happens to be in Vancouver. He said he will arrange to come back for the funeral, even though he just arrived there yesterday to be with his family. On Skype, I could see he was so saddened, his face in a deep frown. It even looked like he was close to tears. But his voice was calm, and he told me not to be too sad. I felt very apologetic ruining his holiday and reunion with his family. But he needs to know, for he cared and loved his sister so much...

And I called my ex, who happens to be on holiday with his parents, also in Vancouver. I hesitated a lot before contacting him. I don't know why I was most shaken when I was talking to my ex. Even more so than when mum breathed out her last breath before everything ended. I didn't know how to break the news. I didn't want to ruin his holiday with his parents, but he has a right to know, because he cares so much, and has been ever so supportive. He said before he'd (try to) be there with me at the funeral, but it's a lot to ask, because he's so busy at work. I guess I was shaken because of the uncertainties surrounding us.

Finally home. Surrounded by mum's things. I don't even know if I should be sleeping on her bed, for maybe she'll come back tonight. I did say to her before she passed away if there's anything to come back an visit. I also told her if there's something she wants to tell me, she can come back in a dream. "I won't be afraid..."

Because she's my mother. My mother I love so much, my mother whose hand I held and whose body I hugged as she left this world...