Solutions

How did I ever get get so much power (or so it feels)? When was it ever devolved to me the ability to decide what end course mum's life would take?

This is a very scary, very scary feeling, and I feel terribly uneasy. Somehow I feel like a cruel despot who does not seem to flinch to decide the life or death of the people under his care. Am I a tyrant forcing my will on mum? Am I a stubborn child, selfish little child, who is somehow wishing mum could quickly go so I am rid of this "burden" I've been carrying for so many years?

I trembled as I walked into the hospice ward, and the entire day my stomach felt so terribly upset-- which began with extreme pain in my stomach and the intense feeling like I needed to vomit.

It must be nausea and sickness from fear, nausea and sickness triggered by the reality that there is a  definitive decision that will influence the outcome (and possibly even length) of mum's final  journey. And I am charged with the burden of exploring the options and presenting them to my mum. Ultimately, of course, the decision is hers to make. But I must present them to mum, as if presenting her with a death sentence. "Lethal injection or electrocution? You choose." The outcome, the end result will be the same.

A hospice volunteer, a lady perhaps a little bit older, greeted me. I said I wanted to find out more about hospice care, and what they do on the top floor of the hospital, a place I have never dared to venture into. And I realised why today... However beautifully the brochure tried to capture it, however elegant and poetic they try to describe the 21st floor, it's still the floor built for the purpose of death and dying. (Sometime ago, I wrote a fictional piece about Floor 21 from the perspective of my alter ego, Yuri the Spacemonkey, which I never did publish.)

The hospice volunteer explained to me that there are staff who are professionally and emotionally trained for the hospice. I picked up a brochure which detailed the difference between palliative/hospice care and euthanasia. In an earlier piece last year, I confused the two, but the difference is huge. What is permissible in Taiwan, is hospice care which centres around the reduction of a patient's pain and suffering at the end of life. With the patient's consent, or if not possible, consent of the relatives under advisement of the doctors, all treatment will be terminated, and any future medical intervention is to alleviate pain and discomfort. The body will naturally weaken, deteriorate, and eventually the patient will pass away... In the local terminology, it is called "natural death" (自然死).

The patient may choose to come to hospital, but most people would prefer to be at home, something that I believe mum would also tend to side with. If at home, she said a health care professional can be on call 24/7 and come home to tend to any needs. If necessary, the patient can be transferred to hospital, but once the patient has chosen hospice care, s/he will from now on be automatically taken to the 21st floor, and bypass other wards.

I listened carefully and calmly. The lady was so very kind as I explained mum's situation. I did not have to mention that mum has cancer, for when I did mention it, she compassionately said "I know..." She must know. It is because cancer is so cruel that perhaps most of the people who she comes across are terminally-ill cancer patients."I just want to know what the options are and to tell my mother about it. I just want her to have dignity and be comfortable..." Her eyes were moist as I said those words, the words of a son who cares and loves his mother so deeply he cannot bear to see her suffer too much. Cannot bear to see her suffer, and thus would rather she die soon..?

That is the greatest dilemma, the question that weighs heavily on my mind. Of course I do not wish her to die... Of course I wish her to live a bit longer, so she can attend my graduation, so she can see me be sworn into the bar, so she can see me settle down (perhaps even get married!!) with the one person who loves me so, and whom I love more than anything in the world. Of course I wish she could see me one day have a nice job, comfortable home, perhaps come visit her with her grandchild(ren?) run around me... And I so wish I could take her travelling again, take her to places in the world she and I have talked about visiting together, but never managed to. But the reality is mum may not have the time or energy to do all that. Mum may not have the fortune or opportunity to experience what I would so like to share with her... Share with her m dreams, my aspirations, my wishes and desires.

I left the hospice with some brochures and information. I cannot decide this all, I will not take the responsibility to decide this all, for this is mum's life, mum's choice, though I do know (yet I still must definitively confirm) that her wish is close to mine. This is yet another way my mother and I are blessed, for we see eye to eye in a lot of things, even those that many do not dare to talk about or decide on. I went back to mum's ward, and asked the nurse to make an appointment with the hospice care doctor tomorrow. S/he can come to mum's room and talk to her in person, and my hope is that the hospice care doctor can come before we decide on whether to insert the  nose feeding tube. For it is all related, all connected with life and the decision on how to proceed from here with dignity and grace.

"Stay with her, there is nothing more you can give her..." the lady told me. Then she told me something I have till now not really done, but did cross my mind, even just a few hours earlier before my mum's sister came to visit.  "Take care of her clothes and her hair. When she gets out of bed, you might want to comb it a bit, or make sure her clothes are neat and that she is presentable. And when visitors come, you could put on a bit of make up, lipstick to give her more liveliness." I haven't done much in that department because it's a bit embarrassing, but occasionally I do remind mum about it and  to do it herself. And this reminder made me think: Oh, why didn't I do this before? But now I know...

Now I know even more ways to make mum comfortable and look beautiful again. Even in this final stage, even at a journey's end.