Euthanasia

On this damp, chilly morning I took mum up the mountain to nearby Peitou. Famed for its natural hot springs that bubbles from the bowls of the Earth, the area is populated with many spas and hotels. The recent cold front and drizzle made us all the more determined to go for a soak.

As the intense heat mixed with the cold air, shrouds of white mist would rise from the green lake. At times, as the curtains of mist drew closer and closer, the majestic mountains in the background would be shielded from sight. In the air, the pungent scent of sulphur can at times be choking, yet the still silence so soothing to the senses. I sat in the different pools, bare naked and alone for over an hour, soaking in the relaxing atmosphere, and let my tense muscles and mind go. At times I got up and would just stare into the distance, into nothing. Ever since I came home, rarely have I felt such peace and emptiness of my mind...

Mum too enjoyed herself thoroughly, and came out much later than the time we agreed to meet (the spa is separated by gender). I took the time to sit and sip tea as I read the newspaper. One of the headlines, something that has been in the news recently, grabbed my attention. As the first country in Asia, the Taiwanese parliament yesterday passed a law to allow relatives of terminally ill patients to end life support. Though the decision requires the consent of close relatives (eg. spouse, children, and parents ), and requires the approval of two medical doctors and a panel of medical, ethics and legal experts, it does pave the way for ending the unnecessary suffering of patients and of relatives. One of the medical conditions that falls under the new 'euthanasia' law is terminal cancer that metastises throughout the body.

I read the news coverage and social commentary carefully. "One needs not only live well, but also needs to go [die] well", was the remark of a mother who had to watch her young daughter go through painful and unbearable treatment for terminal cancer. "No one should have to watch a loved one suffer..." After months of chemo therapy, of blood transfers, of all sorts of therapies, the daughter eventually passed away in a pool of her own blood, as the doctor repeatedly tried to resuscitate her. That memory, that image will however forever linger in the mother's mind.

"...could I ask you something?" I asked carefully, unsure how mum would respond. I told mum about the latest law, and asked her her opinion of it. "Please, take the time to think about it, and we also need to talk about it with brother too..."

She smiled, and looked calm and at ease. "If there is a more humane way to die, then I would choose it.  All that pain, all that pain will erase the beautiful memories of life... I don't want to suffer."

My worst fear, my worst nightmare is having to watch mum suffer unbearable pain, and not being able to do anything about it. It's like what the monk once described, having to watch a loved one burn alive in a house that is ablaze, but being helpless to rescue him/her. I've seen it in my dreams, and at times I see it in my bleak and vivid imaginations. No body has to undergo such pain, pain that cannot be described, cannot be matched, but can only be described as torturing for the body, for the soul, and for all those involved.

"When dad passed away, I was there... I held onto his hand, I whispered in his ear and told him to let go. That was an quiet way to pass [away]," I recounted. We cannot choose when we go, how we go, but we can somewhat influence the way we go, and try to make sure we go peacefully, quietly, with dignity.

It's not come to that day, that moment yet, but it is something that I'm glad mum and I could talk about with a clear mind and without fear or remorse. Perhaps that day may never come... perhaps when that moment does come, I will shiver and be afraid to sign away her life.

But at least for now, mum and I have an understanding. Life needs to be lived, but when the time comes to go, go quietly and go with pride...

UPDATE: 25 March 2012
There is a difference in the terminology and translation. The 'euthanasia' law is actually the provision of palliative care in a patient's final stage of life. It entails the signing of a DNR (do not resuscitate) form and the agreement with the medical team that there will be no attempt at treatment, and all attention will be redirected to making the patient comfortable until the end of life. In Mandarin, euthanasia is 安樂死 (literally: "comfortable and happy death") whereas palliative/hospice care is 自然死　(literally: "natural death").