Exhausted

Almost one month into the course, and I feel exhausted already. The constant and daily barrage of information, facts and lectures that we are exposed to, and then herded off to seminars and extra curricular events. All in the name of knowledge, which I cannot deny is a bad thing and I really am learning so much news that I never knew before, but then there does not seem to be time to rest, time to breathe.

Mum left Europe today. I called her just before she boarded her flight, the long, long journey home. I think it is easier to say goodbye on the phone... you don't have the urge to run after the plane, or to watch as the shadow of the person disappears into the distance. It is just a voice on the phone, which cuts off after the connection dies. But being easier does not make it easy.

When I sleep, my brain often does not. And my brain seems to often drift off into different places. A psychic once said that my soul drifts away every time I sleep. Which may be true, since I feel tired, even though I sleep for a long time. So, early this evening, I lay in bed to take a little nap in order to regain strength for another group meeting, I had a nightmare.

I saw mum's face, and she was smiling... but then her hair had fallen, and she was almost bald... The fake hair on her head did not sit right, and underneath that fakeness were the thin and fragile strands of her original hair... no longer the shiny black that smelt good when I drew close... but grayish, listless and thin. Mum looked tired, though she was smiling...

It was a powerful image, and so very painful too... Of course I wish it will not be a premonition, and by all the faith I have, I hope that mum will be safe and happy and healthy... But seeing that image made me literally shock awake. I lay in bed, grimaced in pain, and closed my eyes, wishing that the image would quickly go away....

I wish I could share it with someone.

But surrounding this lonely island is a vast, open sea.