My heart broke again, not from helplessly seeing her suffer and be in pain, but realising that I am causing her pain. It feels so hurt hearing mum's raised voice and facial expression as if she were about to burst into tears. Not only cancer and her vomiting, not only her mangled thin body and uncontrollable bouts of vomiting is torturing her. I am tormenting her too, I am perhaps making her worse rather than better... Am I a source of her suffering, a reason why she lies there with eyes wide open and is unable to sleep, despite having not slept properly for two days?
The incident, so small and trivial if I think about it, began because she complained of pains. I asked her why she didn't say anything to the doctor who came to visit earlier, why she did not ask for medication to control the pain. It's not the first time, for she is often in discomfort and in pain, and yet when the doctor comes, she doesn't say anything. Only later does she complain of pain and sores.
I can only do so much by massaging her and giving her heat packs, but the doctor can prescribe medicine to soothe the pain.
"Didn't want to ask the doctor for help because the doctor seems so busy...."
"The pain just comes and goes..."
I really cannot understand why she must put up with pain for any period of time. At night, she'd rather wobble unstably to the washroom by herself and risk falling and breaking her bones(or worse!) than wake me up to help her.
Always so considerate of other people, always thinking of others, which shows how soft-hearted and sympathetic ahe is, and yet in the process she swallows all the pain and displeasure inside... (sound familiar? Like mother, like son?)
It infuriates me, a lot, more because I've told her again and again to speak up when she needs help, to talk to the doctors when she does not fully understaffed something... And it hurts me to see her have to suffer unnecessarily, when sometimes all she has to do is ask for help!
I know, I am rude, I am sometimes very impatient and get angry and ugly when I am upset. I know I must control my tempers and be more caring, more bearing... But I just wish mum could ask for help more... Otherwise, what is the point of me being here, watching over her twenty hours a day?
My aunt (mum's youngest sister, bless her!) came to talk to me and cheer me up. She knows well the situation... Mum and I are very alike, and neither wants the other to hurt or be burdened much, but then sometimes conflicts arise as a result...
"Cheer up! We must be more happy and joyous, otherwise she'll feel like everything is so terrible and that she's dragging us all down because she's ill..."
I know... It's hard being ill, it's perhaps the worse possible thing that can happen to a healthy person. Being ill can really erode your self-confidence, your self-worth and dignity, it can rob you of independence and beauty, can cause you to be so mentally exhausted and anguished... And it is up to us, the family, the caregivers, to make her feel loved and cared for, and not to give her more stress, more cause for worry!
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