Misunderstood

"You have to think about it! You can't just hand it all over to the doctor for the doctor to decide! It's your life, your body!" I was getting emotional, unnecessarily so, for being so may have just diminished what I was trying to say.

One of the doctors in the medical team charge in charge of dealing with mum's inability to eat came in this morning. He said after careful consideration, and after the failure of the NJ tube to fully enter the intended area of the intestines, the only option remaining is bypass is surgery. He did not say whether or not we have to proceed, but if we do want to, the earliest that it can be done is coming Tuesday.

"Think about things, mum. You don't always have to do what the doctor says." In this case, the doctor has not said anything concrete yet, but just presented the option of surgery. And to me at least, they presented facts that they have not presented to mum.

"I'll let the doctor decide," mum said. I don't know if she thought things through, or perhaps she is too tired and starved to think... I asked her to consider the bigger picture, to consider the risks, and to remember that perhaps a month or so after the surgery, she may end up in the same place as she is now: starving, unable to eat because the intestines have been clogged up again by the tumour spreading.

"What do you want me to do? Just starve to death? Send me to the hospice and wait to die?!" Mum reacted angrily. From her words, it seemed clear she misunderstands me and has not understood what hospice care means. She, and my aunts, believe I am completely against all treatments, including the NJ tube and surgery. They probably think that I want to get rid of mum as soon as I can, so that's why I'm been eagerly promoting hospice care. But I just would like mum know there is an alternative to pressing forward with treatment, to getting your body so tormented by cuts and poisoned by medicine that one by one things begin to fail. The alternative is not pretty; starving is not a pretty sight or feeling... I've seen how starving has eroded mum's body to just skin and bones, and it's scary. But what is the lesser evil, what is less torturous: starving or going through surgery, through the long period of recovery and most likely needing to starve yet again some time from now as the tumour spreads and blocks ofd more passageways in the small intestines?

I felt so wronged... "You're my mother! Why would you even think that I want to get rid of you? You think I'll be so free when you're gone?" Mum just retorted that she does not need me by her side, and that she can easily someone. That only added salt to the wound...

I truly just want her to suffer less, to not suffer needlessly and for any period of time. What is the point of living then if everyday is just waking up to suffering, sores and bearing with pain? I never said I'm opposed to the surgery, for ultimately it is her choice. As I told her, it is her body, her life. Whatever happens, she is the one who has to bear the physical pain and the mental torment that comes from feeling pain and sores almost every moment of the day. I cannot bear responsibility to decide something as important as mum's life, especially a course of intervention that could very well put mum's life at risk. "I just want to give you the bigger picture, to tell you what I know from the doctors and what they have said to me. You're my mother, I want what is best for you..."