Hospice agreement

I hesitated in signing the hospice care form. Not because there are certain clauses I do not fully understand (legal language in any language, even if it's supposedly my mother tongue, is hard to decipher...), but mainly because it feels so important, so (literally) life changing. (And I guess being a lawyer-in-training, I am always very careful when I come to sign documents)

I had to sign it, as the closest kin, which I found strange because mum is the one whose life is being decided. The family doctor who is in charge administering 'entry' into the palliative/hospice care programme came by and just dropped off the consent form. I was temporarily away, visiting mum's neurosurgeon, so I missed (who I believe is a) her. It was me who arranged for mum to see the family doctor, for I wanted her to fully understand the entire procedure and what hospice care entails, but somehow I have to first sign the consent form, and then they will send someone to come see mum and talk to us about the the hospice care programme.

I stared at the piece of paper, and gave it to mum to read carefully. She already has an idea, as I have been talking to her about it on and off, and in addition I gave her a number of brochures which I picked up from floor 21 to read. "This is what I am wishing for," she said. A sentence I have been hoping to hear from her loudly and clearly.

But still I felt uneasy in signing the form, and I read the piece of paper again and again. I knew what it all meant on paper, but I still had questions; questions which would only be answered if the family doctor did not come back to see and talk to us again. What reassured me was a clause which said if need be, the patient and/or relatives can opt out of the programme at any time.

I sent a text message to my brother, who was half way through his work day in Austria. Such an important decision cannot be taken lightly, and mum is not only my mother, but also that of my brother. I have been talking to him about it on the phone over the past few days, so he is aware of what mum and I have agreed to do. But still, I needed his explicit approval.

"OK" was the response that came back from my brother within a minute or so of me sending the request for his consent. It was a disappointing reply, somewhat emotionless in light of the decision that is about to be taken, but it was precise enough for the purpose I guess. An hour later, my brother texted again and asked me if mum and I were alright, especially in light of making such an important decision.

The agreement is still lying on the table, dated but still unsigned, almost ten hours after I received it and read it again and again. I don't know why I am hesitating still, for I have mum's agreement, brother's consent, and I can always choose to back out if that is mum's (or our) wish.

Just the fact that I can decide mum's course of (or, to be more precise,  termination of) treatment is daunting, and the responsibility is terribly heavy...

(animation entitled "Mama's smile" about a boy wondering why his mother is going on a long, long journey...)