Just before the new year

I'm not sure what it is. I'm having one of those 'lazy' and 'feeling low' days today, even though outside fireworks have been exploding left and right. Four hours and counting to the new year, and usually I'd feel inspirational, hopeful and at least a little merrier, but no, not now, not this time.

It's been like this since I got back from France two days ago. The 'promises' I made to myself to get lots of studying and research done didn't go very well. Instead, I've been reading other things and piecing together this puzzle I bought for myself for Christmas. Besides that, I slept, because for some reason I still feel so exhausted from the trip.

I think part of the reason for feeling a bit down is because I can't get over feeling guilty over what I did, or rather did not do, which is accept that gift from my brother. I think it's probably offending me more than offending him, in that I feel bad rejecting his good will. I'm not angry at him, but more at myself now... And the more I think about it, I more I'm beginning to wonder why I have to be so... 'mean'. It's the new year, and why start the new year on bad terms?

I guess another reason is because I feel kind of lonely too... Usually spending new years alone at home doesn't bother me much, but this time around it somehow does. Is it because of the stories and fantasies I've been writing? The kind of warmth and love I can so easily put into words, but sadly cannot feel or be touched by. Perhaps. Perhaps...

Hm, french fries are being warmed up in the oven. I'll go stir-fry some veggies, and pour myself a glass of wine. Dinner for one.

Peace on earth

Woke up this morning to this song on the radio.
There's no better way to bid farewell to the old year, and welcome the new.

May there be peace on earth.

Morgen zal het vrede zijn
(Marco Borsato)

Door kapotgeschoten straten,

zonder vader zonder land.

Loop je hulpeloos verlaten

aan je moeders warme hand.

Als een schaap tussen de wolven,

haar bestemming onbekend.

En niemand ziet hoe klein je bent,

niemand ziet hoe klein je bent.

Morgen zal het vrede zijn.

Zal de zon je strelen.

Zal de wereld weer een speeltuin zijn,

en kun je rustig spelen.

Na de winter komt de lente,

wordt de grijze lucht weer blauw.

Maar al ben je uit de oorlog,

gaat de oorlog ooit uit jou?

Mooie ogen zijn vergiftigd,

zijn aan het geweld gewend.

En niemand ziet hoe klein je bent,

niemand zien hoe klein je bent.

Tomorrow it shall be peace

Through bullet-ridden streets,

With no father, with no country,

You helplessly walk alone,

In your mother’s warm hand.

Like a sheep between the wolves,

Its destination unknown.

And no one sees how small you are,

No one sees how small you are.

Tomorrow it shall be peace,

The sun shall caress you.

The world shall be a playground again,

And you can calmly play.

After the winter comes the spring,

The gray sky becomes blue again.

But even if you were away from the war,

Is the war ever away from you?

Beautiful eyes are poisoned,

Are used to the violence.

And no one sees how small you are,

No one sees how small you are.]

New story online!!!

A story I wrote for the Winter Anthology of Gay Authors is online! : )
The story is specially dedicated to a friend who passed away recently.

Hope you'll enjoy it, and feel free to tell me what you think!

Rejection

I feel uneasy. That gift, all wrapped-up and shining and waiting at my door was still at my door when I got home this evening. I had more or less decided what to do when I left a few days ago to Strasbourg. And just now I went to see my brother and thanked him for the gift, but then told him that I don’t want to accept it.

He said nothing. At least not to me, and just mumbled something to his girlfriend, shaking his head at the same time. As if what I just did was the most unbelievable thing in the world. And that made me feel like the guilty one.

Moments later, the girlfriend came to see me, and started off with chit-chat. But as was expected asked why I don’t want the gift. I said it loud and clear: why give me a gift when you don’t even treat me like a normal person throughout the year? Is this one gift now supposed to make that all better?

But now, thinking back, and looking at the gift on the corridor, I feel bad. Am I a terrible person to turn down someone’s good-will? Why am I not grateful for what I can receive, but instead so full of anger and stubbornness? Am I not foolishly standing by ‘principles’, but unable to see that someone is trying to reach out? It’s just a gift… but behind it, and accepting it, means so much more. Or am I just making things more complicated and guilty of ruining what little is left of our relationship?

Torn.

Home again

(For more pictures, go here!)

I'm going to miss the way he hugs me. The way he makes babbly baby sounds close to my ear, and most of all, I'll miss falling asleep next to his soft, warm breathing.

Maybe Sunny will wake up and wonder where that 'stranger' went. The one who's been bathing him, pampering him in the last couple of days, and picking him up into the air with his arms spread wide open like a free, soaring bird.

How quickly the last couple of days went. Unwillingly, I left Strasbourg at sevenish in the morning, when the rest of the world seemed still sound asleep. It was freezing cold, and though it hasn't snowed yet, the damp dew covered the forests and meadows outside the window with a coating of white. A winter wonderland, full of magic, full of surprises.


I didn't do much actually, besides eat and take things slow and easy. I did some shopping rounds for my friend, at the usually 'hyper-market' Auchan, and even popped over to Germany to store up on baby food and diapers. The little town of Kehl doesn't have much attractions to visit, but prices are sometimes half that compared to France. I even found the play-thing I wanted to get Sunny but got stolen in Brussels. His mum was overjoyed when she saw what I bought (again!), since it was exactly what she had been planning to buy as well.

After a half-hour of assembly, the baby-gym was ready, and Sunny was put to the test. It's quite a fun toy, he seemed to love it the moment he got his eyes and hands laid on the animated figures and stuffed animals suspended on an arch in mid-air. I watched him play, giggle and fidget with his hands and legs. In his cute little outfits, he looked so innocent, so vulnerable, yet somehow seemed to radiate with such life and love.


Though all of that didn't make the thoughts of two looming exams and a paper due next week go completely away. Even though I had my books with me, it was only until this morning in the train that I started studying. But pub-crawling with my friend last night meant instead of absorbing the cases and judgements, I was more absorbed by sleep. With beautiful thoughts, of a beautiful baby I was leaving behind.

Arrived in Brussels around noon, and to be frank didn't feel like going home (just yet). It's really been a while since I bought anything for myself. Funny, the moment I walked through the door a few days ago, my mum-friend immediately noticed how 'smart' I look, and how firm my bum had become since we last met... I blushed, but then again she really is someone who knows the latest about fashion. Bright colours and accessories like a scarf and trendy belt, she's being saying to me ever since we've known each other. With that in mind, I ventured the streets and shops of Brussels and decided to be good to myself for a change. One shop had the slogan:

"Your clothes say who you are. What do you want them to say?"

Confident. Secure. Warm. Approachable. Lovable. That's what. As my wallet got a bit lighter, I could feel my lugguage and self-confidence get a bit weightier. Bought a couple of sweaters and jumpers, one pink, one snow-white with light horizontal green stripes, and another orange. And my tattered trousers I traded in for two pairs of slick, slim-waist jeans. I was smiling. It's almost the new year, and I guess it's time to make resolutions (again), to be more outgoing and self-loving. As much as I believe it's what's inside that matters, clothes do help.

The rest of the journey home was hectic. Again, like so many times before in Belgium, the train had problems and simply got cancelled. So hundreds of other passengers heading towards the Netherlands had to haul their lugguage up and down platforms, change and transfer and run and wait in the cold until finally after an hour a replacement train service came. It was packed, and I ended up riding two hours sitting by the door between two carriages, next to the toilet. It was loud, smelly, and there was no central heating.

But soon I was home again.

Strasbourg: Ville de Lumiere

Here are some wonderful pictures of Strasbourg at night. Enjoy!

Strasbourg Noël 2006 V
Strasbourg Noël 2006 IV
Strasbourg Noël 2006 III
Strasbourg Noël 2006 II
Strasbourg Noël 2006

Christmas in Strasbourg

I nearly tripped over a big present placed by my bedroom door when I woke up two days ago. I didn’t open it. Why give me a present when you don’t even have the decency to treat me, let alone speak to me, like a normal human being throughout the year? Is this one present supposed to make all those bad vibes, all the mess and temperaments go all away? I closed the door of my house behind me. The air was fresh, cold, and free.

The frozen forest floor and creeks rolled by, and trees were sprinkled with fine powders of white. The train chugged through the mountains, sometimes slow, sometimes speeding along passed quaint little villages and valleys in the picturesque landscape of northern Europe, toward Strasbourg, toward my home for the next few days.

It wasn’t a smooth journey to start with. When transferring in Brussels, someone took my a piece of my luggage ‘without asking’. A few days ago a friend of mine got robbed of everything in Belgium too, and I had promised myself to be more careful. But alas! It was the biggest and most beautiful one, all wrapped up and shining in green paper, with colourful butterflies and ribbons. Inside was a toy for baby Sunny, a play-mat the baby can lie on and exercise his hands and fingers on the rattling puppets and balls that are suspended in mid-air. I was upset for a few moments, wondering what bad things are coming my way. Once I settled into my seat, my mind settled too. Maybe I deserved this bad karma, for the way I reacted to the good-intentions of my brother earlier in the morning. Besides, someone, somewhere will be happy…

It’s been more than six months since I was last here. And how baby Sunny has grown! Before he couldn’t even sit up, and his neck wasn’t stiff enough to support his head. The moment I entered, his mum greeted me with Sunny in her arms. He was a little bedazzled, perhaps shocked to feel the cold cheeks of this stranger who had just walked through the door, and entered his world. Yet soon, as I held him in my arms, in his eyes was a look as if he knows me, as if he remembers. Those two months before, and after, his birth were worth it. Later I heard from his mum that whenever strangers hold him, Sunny would start crying and kicking. But in my arms he was quiet, still… and warmed me.

I’ve been playing and lying around him a lot in the past few days, admiring him, teasing him, adoring him, while reconnecting with his mum. He likes to flap his arms around, to feel and put anything and everything into his mouth. Somehow he has this fascination with my watch, and it tickles whenever he’s little hands and little fingers latch and fumble around my wrist. He likes to poke, to scratch and grab. “Aslon… Aslon…”, you call, and he answers by turning to look at you, with deep innocent eyes. He can’t walk yet, but if you hold him by the arms, he can just about stand. His legs would kick and try to stand up straight, before his wobbly knees send his chubby little body jiggling and wriggling in a baby dance.

He can already babble, gargle, and giggle. When you pull faces at him, he smiles and laughs and sometimes even rewards you with a show of support by clapping his hands and feet together. His laugh can melt your heart, make you smile and forget the troubles of the world. An adorable little being, full of life, full of love, and so much more. Sometimes he’d clamber onto my chest, flap around a bit, stare into my eyes, and mumble before falling asleep. I’d close eyes too, close my arms around him, and dream. The soft, warm feel of his breathing so very soothing.

My friend has had it rough in the last few months, having to juggle studies with a baby, but despite the dark rings around her eyes from the lack of sleep, I’m glad she and Sunny have managed to do so well, together. She kept on thanking me, saying how she and Sunny couldn’t have made it without me. But I just smile, and blush. I did what I could, and nothing more.

Christmas day we went to a friends place for lunch. There was so much food, and wonderful wine, and tonnes of chocolates and local delicacies to be had. A decorated tree stood in the corner, its base brimming with gifts. Two little boxes, and an oil painting, were for me. My friend had done a beautiful portrait of my sweet cat. Carefully I opened one of the little boxes, to reveal a sleeping angel, its face tranquil, serene and peaceful.

“That’s you, Dave. You’re our angel.” I smiled and blushed, and felt my insides swell with indescribable feelings. For a moment it was as if I could feel the tears, too, swell.

The next box came as an even bigger surprise. Under soft, satin cloth was a glistening expensive watch. Speechless, I was, and wondered what I ever did to deserve such a precious gift, and so much more from my friend.

In return, I gave her what little I could afford.

A hug.

And so this is Christmas...

And so this is Christmas

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The war is so long
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so happy Christmas
We hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun

(John Lennon)

Dear friends

So I wandered the cold, cold streets at night for a while. My breath blurred my vision as I walked aimelessly in the empty streets. Peering into windows, families were sitting at the dinner table, dining, bonding, sharing amid twinkling last and an open fire.

Feeling upset I called a friend, just to talk. Within the next minute, he told me to wait. He was coming to meet me. For him to get to where I was he had to travel almost an hour, yet he was willing to do so. Just for a chat, to share a drink, to make me feel and know I'm not alone.

Just for me. As we parted later in the night, as I watched him walk away, I felt myself smile and warm up inside. What did I do to deserve such a kind, selfless gesture? And in a few more hours another friend will receive me, take me in, give me the warmth and hugs I need over the Christmas period.

How wonderful it is to have friends... friends who come to you when you least expect it, when you most need them most.

Ridiculous

I'm going out. More like forced out.

Came home just now after work to a house party. Not even the decency to tell me before hand there was going to be a party. Such bad attitude, treating me like I shouldn't even be there. And yet the table is set, with me included. Do they really expect me to eat with them? Just thinking about it I've lost my apetite.

I'm just going to go wander the streets for a few hours. Anything, anywhere to be away from here. But it's freezing, freezing cold out there...

Tomorrow I'll be gone.

Call before Christmas

A call to my parents before Christmas.

As we were talking, mum started sniffing.
Christmas and holiday seasons children go home,
And families are reunited.
Her colleagues talk of the warmth and love
When their children come home.
But I'm not anywhere home.

How guilty she felt, mum said.
It was thirteen when she left,
Thirteen when I was alone for the first time.
I cried at Christmas, at New Years, at Easter too.
But that was then.
And this is now.
The holidays have lost their meaning,
The time for reunion have lost their effect.
And I cry no more.

But mum did, and today still does.

Commercial Christmas

Almost twelve hours of deep, deep sleep later, I was fresher, livelier than before. The sun was shining, it was a new day.

A friend invited a bunch of us to go to her place for lunch. A nice little village close to Leiden, and for the first time ever I rode in a car which came with a diplomatic license and driver. Speed, honk, drive carelessly, and the moment people see the license plate they keep their distance. But being (self-proclaiming moral) international lawyers we knew not to abuse diplomatic immunities.

Turned out I was the only guy there. Well, it wasn't so bad, not when they were babbling about how and where to get a perm, what lotions to use, facials, back-scrubs and toe-nail painting. We did talk about other more normal things.... swinger clubs (which was apparently just around the corner in the middle of farmer country), mistresses, sugar-daddies, trios, drink and drugs. Funny.

One of them is about to give birth soon, so we talked about tips and exchanged experiences. To them I seemed like the 'perfect' guy... caring, kind, can cook and sensitive. When we somehow got onto the topic of star signs, the fact that I'm a Pisces made them swoon. "Oooh, Pisces are the most romatic guys".

I couldn't help but blush.

Well, Christmas shopping still had to be done, so afterwards we headed into town. For the next few hours wandered the streets prowling, with bank cards ready to swipe, and swipe again. To be honest, I don't like shopping, especially when you have to fight your way to the cashier with people hauling bigger bags than Santa Claus himself. But somehow Christmas has become a shopper's worst nightmare, and sacred heaven at the same time. Just look around you... where does it seem immune to the spread of that age-old Christmas spirit of commercialism and buying binges? Christmas carols that normally seemed so tranquil and so soothing had somehow morphed into the hypnotising songs of mercantilism conveying the subtle message of buy, buy, buy!

I got what I wanted for my mother-friend, her little baby, and some others. Beaten, tired, drained of money, I headed home, with full bags of goodies and gifts, yet emptily wondering whether Christmas meant much more.

And my doubt was, somehow, just answered by a beautiful, beautiful song...

Till I had you I didnt know
That I was missing out
Had to grow up and see the world
Through different shades of doubt
Give me one more chance to dream again
One more chance to feel again
Through your young heart
If only for one day let me try

I wanna see Christmas through your eyes
I want everything to be the way it used to be
Back to being a child again thinking the world was mine
I wanna see Christmas, Christmas through your eyes

I see the rain, you see the rainbow hiding in the clouds
Never afraid to let your love show
Wont you show me how
Wanna learn how to believe again
Find the innocence in me again
Through your young heart
Help me find a way, help me try

I wanna see Christmas through your eyes
I want everything to be the way it used to be
Back to being a child again thinking the world was kind
I wanna see Christmas, Christmas through your eyes

"True friend"

I just got this from a friend. It's one of these forward-to-so-and-so-number-of-people-and-your-wish-will-come-true emails. Well, I'm not going to do that, because I don't want to select who is a friend, and who is not. But if you're reading this, you must be, or at least could be. Which means "my true love" won't appear at midnight ... ...but I have friends. -------- I like you because of who you are to me... A true friend . And if I don't get this back I'll take the hint Tonight at midnight your true love will realize they like you. Something good will happen to you at 1:00-4:00 PM tomorrow. It could be anywhere -- Get ready for the biggest shock of your life. Please send to 5 people in 5 minutes . Remember: "A good friend will come bail you out of jail.... But a true friend will be sitting next to you saying . WE screwed up, but we had fun! " Proud to be your Friend! Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence, and don't skip ahead . I've learned...that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. I've learned...that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for. I've learned...that money doesn't buy class. I've learned...that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. I've learned...that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. I've learned...that the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can? I've learned...that to ignore the facts does not change the facts. I've learned...that the less time I have to work, the more things I get done. To all of you...make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence. It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending it back to the person who sent it to you . If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends. HAPPY FRIENDSHIP WEEK TO YOU!!!!!! YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I am honoured.

It's almost Christmas...

Oh, that wonderful feeling.

It started the moment I put the last punctuation mark on my exam this morning. No more international law... no more assignment deadlines... no more pre-exam sleeplessness nights... at least for the next couple of days.

Had to quickly go straight to work after the exam, but I was feeling somewhat lighter. As the day went by, filled with hours and hours of stuffing envelops and sticking stamps at work, I realised how tired I was. Three hours or so I slept last night...sometime between 3am and 6am. And despite feeling that adrenaline rush just before and after the exam the drowsy feeling and sore eyes started to show.

I really don't like talking about exams after it... and like it even less when people insist on discussing what you put for this and that question. But I guess on the whole I did well, or at least, well enough to pass . And just now I received an email from the lecturer of the other course I was doing this term (International Relations), and I managed to pass with a 9. The lecturer added he actually has "never given a higher mark" before! : ) He even said I met the test of an "advanced Master student with honour". I think it's the paper I did... a critical assessment of the EU's human rights dialogue with China, written in almost as many words as a full masters thesis. Maybe I'll post it up sometime, because even I'm very satisfied with it (and it isn't often).

So, three months, almost 500hrs of study, four subjects, thousands of pages of readings, two exams, two class presentations, five papers later, I can't believe I'm actually half way through my course already. Two weeks of holidays we have, but in the first week of January we have two exams and one more paper due. Not much of a break from studies I guess.

Next few days I'll just 'shut down' for a short while. I think I deserve, and need it. Two more days, and then I'm off to Strasbourg, to see my friend and her sweet little son. Ironic that I should leave home to be home for Christmas. But then again, family is not always the people you're related to.

Still need to do some first-minute Christmas shopping, send a few warm wishes to people near and far, think of all the people and places that made this year so worthwhile, and me smile. Because...

...it's almost Christmas.


PS:
The paper is uploaded on my other blog!!

Grade!

Just got my grade for my third and last assignment for Public International Law.

Overjoyed, and surprised too, to see I've steadily improved since that 7 I first got in September, and now up to 8.5! : ) Those weeks of reading and writing and long hours in the library really paid off... Which puts me above the class average, and in a more (or less) confident position to face the exam tomorrow!

OK, must study. 19 hours and counting....

Encounter

While taking a break from studying I met an old colleague from the time I worked at the faculty as an intern. His son passed away some months ago while travelling in the Himalayas. He was my age.

I was surprised to see my colleague, and he to see me. How haggered and torn he looked, sorrow written on his face, grief showing through the blank stare in his eyes. I wasn't sure what to say, but, perhaps awkwardly, asked how he was feeling, and how he's been coping.

"It's the darkest period of my life...", he replied, shaking his head, and looking down at the ground.

As he left after our brief encounter, I told him those words I say to everyone whenever I part company with: "Take care..."

And this time I meant it, more and with more meaning, than ever more. He grabbed me by the arm and patted it gently, like a father would. His eyes seemed to shimmer.

His son was my age.

Fog

It's one of those still, silent nights. After ten hours in the library I walked out of the law building, to be confronted with a world shrouded in fog. A surprise, since the whole day the weather had been quite clear and crisp. I guess a lot of things happen when you retreat away from the real world into the supposed black and white world of law.

Cycling home, past the forest and woods, the front lights of my bike created a tunnel of light, beaming ahead of me. All around me, a semi-transparent layer of vapour and cold. Somewhat refreshing, to breathe in, and feel the dew condense inside of you. Somewhat a mysterious feel to everything too, as if everything is veiled over by a thick, thick blanket, whereas I'm the only one speeding ahead, speeding home in the middle of the night.

It was a slow start to study today. Went in early, hoping to get more work done. Chose a place under the huge skylight so as to get plenty of light and sun, and to keep me awake. But it didn't help. Somehow I'm not all that efficient in the morning. After dozing off a couple of times, decided to go out and take a stroll. A breath of fresh air can do wonders, and it really did help.
After I went back in the afternoon, I more or less sat and read, and read....

....and besides the occassional shy, drifting eyes whenever some good-looking guy walked by, I did manage to focus, more or less, and actually understand some of the complicated issues we've been dealing with over the past few months. What wonderful eureka moments, after some muddling around confused and lost, only to have ideas and thoughts suddenly click together like a puzzle!

Two more days to go.

Things people argue about II

Well, I think I should start making a list of things that the others at home argue about.

First, let's not forget the chicken wings. How can we forget the I-suspect-you-have-something-with-the-ex bicker? Then, the toothpast-in-the-sink episode at half past seven in the morning. Once it was about a mutual friend of theirs who came over for dinner more or less unannounced.

Just now, it was the how-many-drawers-do-you-need-to-occupy argument.

It's pretty amusing, and a deserving entertainment break from my studying.

Seven days and counting...

Finally managed to more or less clear away the papers that needed to be finished this term start start studying. Thursday morning, 9am, big exam in Public International Law. I really want to do well in this, because frankly if I don't then it means I'm enrolled in the wrong study. There's a chance to do a resit in March, but I've never ever done a resit in my whole life, and I don't want to start now.

So, around four days of time, diminishing every moment to study. One notebook full of notes, around 500 pages of judgements, a dozen of so articles each around 30 pages long... and not to mention the thick 700 page recommended reading.

Started studying after working for hours in the cold and damp today. Ironically when I got home from work it stopped raining, and the clouds cleared. Enticing as it was to go for a walk, I sat down and read and read. I have this habit of needing to have a pen in hand while I read, ready to jot down anything that may be relevant or important. Most of the notes are illegible and will get thrown out as soon as I finish with the exam. But somehow I find it easier to remember things when I write them down.

Radio playing Christmas songs softly in the background, a large cup of hot tea, and unlimited supplies of chocolate bars and cookies in the cupboard. That's my way. It's worked all these years, so I hope it'll do the same trick, and deliver good results.

As far as today's studying is concerned, it was pretty productive. And re-reading notes and texts again I really could understand and get more of an overview of what we've been doing all this time. Sort of gives a sense of satisfaction when after an hour or so at the desk you leave to take a break and know that you know something.

Four days and counting till the big exam. Seven days and counting till I leave home for Christmas. Funny, while other people seem to be going home, I'm actually doing the opposite. Got an invitation earlier in the week from my single-mum friend to spend Christmas in France. My jumped at the opportunity. I've actually been planning to do so, but wasn't sure whether she'd be available. And now I'll get to spend Christmas with her and her little baby boy. Really looking forward to that.

But first, a couple days of sleeplessness and stress.

What the....

I really don't know what I did wrong. I cook practically everyday and clean up after me.
I gave them gifts for the Dutch version of 'Christmas' a few weeks ago, and there wasn't even a acknowledgement of the gifts, let alone a thank you. I care about their health, whenever they feel unwell. When they need help I help without wanting anything in return. And yet when I'm not needed weeks and months can go by without a single word. Like I'm not even there.

Just as I was stepping out of my room I find a pile of my clean, recently-washed clothes dumped at my door. Not even the decency to give them to me in person. I was sitting two steps away at my desk.

Such inconsideration...

"Tonight"

At work today I found this big die on a colleague's table. It was one of these 'magical eight ball' kind of thing, with words like "now", "later", "tonight", "never" written on all its sides. I guess even lawyers can be indecisive and need chance too.

I held it in my hand and looked at it, amused. Accidentally, it slipped out of my hand. And in that split second as if tumbled through the air I thought to myself, why not. Why not ask a question, and maybe it'll accurately predict the outcome. Without thinking, the question asked itself: "When will I get a boyfriend?" Naive, perhaps. Hopeful, maybe. Desperate, no doubt.

The die fell. Rolled and rolled. Came to a stop.

"Tonight"

Gays represented in the UN!

For the first time ever since the estblishment of the United Nations, gay-interest organisations have been granted consultative status which allows them to vote in the Economic and Social Council!

The recognition of three gay-interest organisations-- the International Lesbian and Gay Federation--Europe (ILGA), Danish National Association for Gays (LBL) and Lesbians, and German Lesbian and Gay Federation (LSVD)--means that the UN is taking the rights of the LGBT community seriously.

Previous applications for consultative status were rejected because of strong oppossition from countries like Iran, Poland and the Vatican, and many church-based non-governmental organisations.

Chairman of the oldest gay-interest organisation in the world, the Dutch COC, a founding member of ILGA, said:

" The decision is an important step to get the rights of all gays, lesbians, bisxuals and transgenders recognised as human rights. It is a struggle against those countries where homosexuality is still in the criminal code, if not then [punished] with the death sentence."

The status of COC will be dealt with in 2007, and should be approved easily since it has existed for as long as the UN, and even been granted Royal recognition here in the Netherlands.

There seemed to be some commotion about the granting of consultative status today, because apparently various gay-interest NGOs applied, but only three managed to get approved. Many states complained that the approvals and rejections were done in haste and were very arbitrary and no reasons were given for the decisions that were made.

Finland, representing the European Union argued “the United Nations must try to ensure diversity in the representation of those groups. That was especially true of non-governmental organizations whose mandates fell under the competence of the Economic and Social Council and its subsidiary bodies , since much of their work dealt with matters of health, gender, development and human rights and HIV/AIDS”. It is unrealistic that some 2800 NGOs, representing a range of issues, some espousing “ views that were not in keeping with those of the European Union”, are already in the ECOSOC, whereas gay-interest NGOs are not.

Norway (also in favour, and speaking on behalf of New Zealand) complained that the Non-Governmental Organization Committee which admits NGOs into the ECOSOC did not consider the applications of various gay-interest NGOs objectively. Some organisations had their applications rejected without any substantive discussion and no reason given, despite the fact “there was extensive evidence of violations of the rights of people, based on their sexual orientation and gender identity”. Canada (in favour) also supported this view, and argued “it was crucial for non-governmental organizations representing diverse constituencies to be able to express their views in United Nations forums”. Germany (for) expressed similar concerns,

China (against) on the other hand expressed concern granting consultative status to gay-interest NGOs, saying that it might undermine the “credibility” of the Committee, and hoping that today’s decision would not “create any precedents for its future work”. Benin (against) called the decision a “masquerade”, because the hasty way that consultative status was granted was sowing “confusion for the benefit of certain organizations”. Russia also voted against, for similar reasoning.

Related
ECOSOC Resolution 1996/31 provides the criteria for eligibility. An NGO must have "aims and purposes of the organization shall be in conformity with the spirit, purposes and principles of the Charter of the United Nations", and must "have been in existence (officially registered with the appropriate government authorities as an NGO/non-profit) for at least two years, must have an established headquarters, a democratically adopted constitution, authority to speak for its members, a representative structure, appropriate mechanisms of accountability and democratic and transparent decision-making processes".

It's hard to see how it took so long to have gay-interest NGOs included in the ECOSOC. I mean if the 'International Organization for Biological Control of Noxious Animals and Plants' or the 'International Music Council', the 'Union of British Columbia Indian Chiefs', and the 'International Black Sea Club' can be included why not LGBT interest groups?

No disrespect to those groups, but it's just a little bewildering that it took 61years for the UN to recognise that gays need representation too...

10 December: Human Rights Day

(click on picture to go to official Human Rights Day Website)

Fity-eight years the Universal Declaration of Human Rights was adopted on this very day, recognising "the inherent dignity and of the equal and inalienable rights of all members of the human family [as] the foundation of freedom, justice and peace in the world". For too long, "disregard and contempt for human rights have resulted in barbarous acts which have outraged the conscience of mankind", and it was " the highest aspiration of the common people"that all "human beings shall enjoy freedom of speech and belief and freedom from fear and want".

Sadly, billions of people in the world still live in circumstances and countries where theyfundamental rights to basic freedoms are denied or infringed upon. It's not just the countless people imprisoned for excercising their freedom to speak out against tyranny and oppression. It's not only the fact so many men, women and children are slaving away for meagre salaries in inhumane conditions. It's not just the many, many who are discriminated against because of their skin colour, their beliefs, gender and sexual orientation. It also includes the millions and millions of people who do not have the right to clean water, adequate food, and security of life and family.

For one day, or maybe just for one single moment today, let us cherish the rights and freedoms we take for granted, and remember those who long to enjoy them. Together we stand.

Because we are all human beings.

--

Statement from Louise Arbour, UN High Commissioner for Human Rights:

On this Human Rights Day, we reaffirm that freedom from want is a right, not merely a matter of compassion. Fighting poverty is a duty that binds those who govern as surely as their obligation to ensure that all people are able to speak freely, choose their leaders and worship as their conscience guides them.

[...]

Many rich countries have yet to meet development assistance targets they have accepted, yet they continue to spend ten times more on military budgets. They also spend nearly four times their development assistance budget – an amount almost equal to the total gross national product of African countries –to subsidize their own domestic agricultural producers. Indifference and a narrow calculus of national interests by wealthy countries hamper human rights and development just as damagingly as discrimination at the local level.

Here are comments by UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan,

I don't need to tell you , of all people, that the United Nations has a special stake, and a special responsibility, in promoting respect for human rights worldwide. But equally – and less happily – I don't need to tell you that the UN has often failed to live up to that responsibility. I know that ten years ago many of you were close to giving up on any hope that an organization of governments, many of which are themselves gross violators of human rights, could ever function as an effective human rights defender.

[…]

Development, security and human rights go hand in hand; no one of them can advance very far without the other two. Indeed, anyone who speaks forcefully for human rights but does nothing about security and development – including the desperate need to fight extreme poverty – undermines both his credibility and his cause. Poverty in particular remains both a source and consequence of rights violations. Yet if we are serious about human deprivation, we must also demonstrate that we are serious about human dignity, and vice versa.

[…]

We must work to make human rights a reality in each country.

Of course, protecting and promoting human rights is first and foremost a national responsibility. Every member state of the UN can draw on its own history to develop its own ways of upholding universal rights. But many states need help in doing this, and the UN system has a vital role to play.

December day

The cold, crisp afternoon air was a welcome cure to a headache. Slept till after noon today, and the clear, blue sky outside beckoned. Brunched, zipped up, and scarfed my neck and out the door I went, into the woods.

Another week down, one and a half more to go until Christmas break. Again, the majority of nights I spent in the library, and only going home to sleep, before heading out to uni the next day. A couple of friends saw my sad complaint a couple of days about the situation at home, and how comforting they were to offer shows of support and encouragement. One or two told me they'd be interested to move in together, if there's a place available. I guess the thought has been troubling me a bit over the recent period, and more and more as I think about it.

To be honest, I'd rather not have to move out. I mean, this is after all my own home. Why should I, the one without a highflying income and having trouble making ends meet, have to go out and rent a place? And just thinking about the daunting hurdles of searching for a place, packing and moving, and trying to cover the costs with the student loan I get every month is really offputting.

But then again I really can't put up with this situation any longer. Why should I be unhappy and restless whenever I come home, or think of coming home, every single day and night? Besides, if anyone's lived with a couple before, you'd know it's not a good idea. And I really have nothing whatsoever with them in common. Sad, when you think about it, that it happens to be your own brother.

I sat down on a bench in the forest and made my weekly call to my mum. I told her my plans, and she, like so often, supported it. She felt somewhat indignant that I should have to put up with all this from my brother and the girlfriend. Exactly like I said, it is partly my own home after all. And she told me she knew how I felt. Ever since dad moved back home after disappearing for a couple of years, she pretty much has to put up with similar circumstances. Living with a stranger, someone who's suppposed to be family and the closest person in the world, but is everything else but.

I know how it is like for her, and she knows how it is for me. My dad and brother have the same kind of grumpiness and passive aggressiveness that makes life together pretty much unbearable. When they're good to you, which isn't often, they can be the kind and gentle, treat you like there's no one more precious. But the other side of them is intimidating and driven by such an irrational source of anger and hatred. They can scream and shout all sort of obscenities and stare at you like you're the scum of the earth. And then comes the aftermath of the fall-outs filled with toxic, tense silent cold war. How do you deal with a situation like this? It's not like friends you can just cut off ties with and ignore... but I often think why treat these people with any respect or even care about them when all you get in return is the cold shoulder and a vile look on the face? Blood is thicker than water, as they say. But why torture yourself and stay with someone who doesn't even treasure or realise what the unique kind of care and warmth the bonds of family has to offer?

If I do move out, it will really cause a stir in the family. Dad will most likely blame brother for everything, and we'd have another dip in the already very low relations between the two. And somehow I feel 'selfish'...I mean I have the ability and opportunity to just pack my bags and leave, but what about my mum? If anything, she has more of a right to not have to put up with the same kind of cold treatment day in and day out. She's the one who works now, she's the one who has made so many unseen sacrifices to keep this family together. She's the one who is still trying to recover from cancer...

I sat on the bench, in the forest, and listened to her, as she listened to me. she told me she's been donating to WorldVision every month for sometime now, and recently they wrote to her hoping she could adopt a six year old AIDS orphan in Mozambique. She wants to she said. A mere hour or so of work every month for her will be enough provide the child with an education and proper life.

She said she'll write back to the child.

"I'm more than willing to support you. It's the least I can do, and I'll keep on doing it for as long as I can live. When I go, and I don't know when that will be, I'll be sorry that I can no longer provide for you..."

The teardrops evaporated in the winter breeze as soon as they fell.

Spinning...

Spin, spin, spin, spin, spin. My head is spinning. And I'm smiling as I write.

Just got home, and on the way I actually heard the early birds starting to sing.
A double birthday, a night of frolicking and drinking. What are the odds of having two friends who have the same birthday? Weeks in the planning. A 'surprise' party themed around celebrations of six-year-olds. Balloons, paper party hats galore. We pretended to be kids, and anyone who said a dirty, dirt word or did anything naughty was sent to the corner for 'time out'. Crazy, but fun.

But like all parties with uni students it turned to a drinking game. We drank 'grape juice', 'fizzy water', 'root beer'...and soon starting playing dangerous QandA games tittling on the verge of the very, very personal, and very, very obscene. How many times have you blown? The last time you had 'birds and the bees'? THe last time was when? Do you swallow? You like it big? Do you like it from behind? How big? What's your shoe size? Nothing was taboo, nothing unasked. The very sources of gossip and rumours were sprung tonight. Flirting, and sexual vibes hung in the air. Bottle after bottle of 'fruit juice' and 'bubbly water' were cracked open, and poured into longing throats.

And in less than 48 hours, a 2500 word assignment is supposed to be due.

But hey, at least I got a hug from the birthday boy.

Home...

After a long, long day at uni, you just want to go back to the comforts and warmth of home, relax, and rest.

But no.

I come home to find a shattered window and a deadly silence. The kind that falls after an argument. I go into the kitchen, to find remains of egg shells and vegetables decomposing next to greasy, unwashed pots and dishes. I come home to noone, and to be treated like I’m persona non grata.

Already at seven this morning there were shouts and screams. I was still in bed, hoping to get a dozen extra minutes of precious sleep before class, but no. Fight, fight, fight. And door slamming, bin kicking, and things throwing. somehow, amidst it all, one of the windows got smashed. A gaping hole, shattered glass, sharp as a knife. I hid under my duvet and hoped the nightmare would all go away.

This is really the final straw. I live at home, but this is not my home at all. Instead, I stay in my room, because everywhere else is either just filled with their stuff or the smell of stinking cigarettes. A friend of mine asked me why I’ve been staying in the library more and more and until so late. I didn’t realise it until she asked…but one reason is because I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to go back to all this mess and silence, broken only by shouts and fights. Horrible.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, and I’m going to start looking for a place as soon as I’m done with my exams. I’d rather pay to live outside than live with people who don’t even talk to me yet leave everything lying around as if someone’s supposed to pick up the pieces.

Gay marriage in South Africa~

South Africa became the first country in Africa to legalise same-sex marriage a couple of days ago. The first (legal) gay wedding was held on World AIDS Day, momentously marking the fifth country in the world where same-sex unions are recognised in law.

This comes after a groundbreaking South African case in December last year, where the Constitutional Court said:

“The common law definition of marriage is […] inconsistent with the Constitution and invalid to the extent that it does not permit same-sex couples to enjoy the status and the benefits coupled with responsibilities it accords to heterosexual couples.”

The court asked Parliament to change adapt a law within one year to realise same-sex couples rights to marriage. And here we are.

"Sexual abuse takes a heavy toll in Africa"

Worrying report carried by the NY Times on the prevelance of child (sex) abuse, and 'violence of silence'...

Africa is not unique in its high rates of abuse. While a survey of nine countries last year by the World Health Organization found the highest incidence of child sexual abuse in Namibia — more than one in five women there reported being sexually abused before age 15 — it also found frequent abuse in Peru, Japan and Brazil, among other nations. Relatives are frequent perpetrators in Africa, as in much of the world.

"He destroyed my life and my body," she said.

Painful.