Deterioration

Mum heaved from a shortness of breath, and her body trembled terribly. She could hardly speak from the trembling. I watched in horror and in pain as the next couple of hours of drama unfolded...

Late afternoon, around three or so, mum suddenly complained that the room was getting very cold, even though the temperature was set at twenty-five Celsius, and outside it was one of those hot and humid pre-typhoon days when all the clouds have been more or less sucked away. We put on two blankets, but still mum was cold. My plan to take her out for a little walk in a wheelchair, which would have been her second outing since my return five days ago, had to be cancelled. She was in no state to get up.

For a good while, she remained cold and ran a low fever. Brother and I sat by her side, and I stroked her hand and arms continuously to try to warm her up. She was short of breath, and gagging at the same time. She looked so scared, so very scared. I too was scared... "What if today is that day...?"
My mind kept on having this uneasy feeling that something was happening, and for the most part of the afternoon (and even now...) I felt such a terrible headache and dizziness.

The nurse came in frequently to check up on her and monitor her vitals. Even the nurse was lost as to why mum was having a strange episode of trembling cold and shortness of breath, even with the oxygen tube attached to her nostrils. She had no appetite whatsoever, and only drank half a cup of Ensure supplements and half a cup of blended juice. That was it for the day...

I don't know why but I have such a terrible feeling... Terrible feeling. It was not quelled when in the evening mum said at one point, so weakly: "It may not been long..."

For much of the day, since the start of the breathlessness and trembling spells, mum lay there in great discomfort. I can see it on her face, I can see it in her eyes... There is such fear, such fear for the unknown...

And I too am plunged into this dark spiral of despair and helplessness, and struggling hard to find my footing and be strong...