Talk with sister-in-law

I hadn't gone home in over two days. And I haven't showered in just as long. Brother came to the hospital with his family for lunch, and we sat around mum's bed and ate lunchboxes while watching a travel programme about Canada. Later, brother volunteered to stay at the hospital and give me an opportunity to go home and rest.

I got home, exhausted, but still had to empty the fridge a bit and go out to buy some chicken drumsticks to boil soup for mum. The fridge had not been opened for a few days, and old vegetables were going rotten and smelly. I put the chicken and mushrooms in the rice cooker to brew, and was just about to lie down when I heard my nephew playing.

It was supposed to be his nap time, but he was busy playing with his mum's makeup box. I entered their room and sat down, and handed my nephew a wooden toy. A puzzle in the shape of a caterpillar's body. Perhaps a bit advanced for his age of nine months old, but still he's a clever kid, and might be able to figure things out soon. But by the way he took the pieces and began to put them in his mouth to grind his itching gums (he's teething...), he still has a long way to go!

I played with him a little, and all the while chatted with my sister-in-law. It's rare that we do that, and I wanted to know how brother is doing.

"He's grumpy a lot these days. Every time mum's not feeling well, he gets very moody..." she said. "it's understandable, and I try not to get in his way. But his mood is very bad these days..."

She said mum's condition has really affected him, but good thing is that she revealed my brother talks to her about everything. That's what I really wanted to know: whether he has an outlet and whether he talks to someone, because growing up he never was one to open up, at least not to us the family. I told him recently that he's lucky to have a wife, and hoped that he would talk with her. And I was relieved that he does, because we all need someone close and someone we can trust to talk to in the face of something as daunting and overwhelming as the process of losing a dear one...

"He really cares about mum, but he just doesn't say it. He may be strong and buff from the outside, but he's often afraid and has a lot of trouble feeling safe and secure..." My sister-in-law told me about brother's fears of mum returning home. Not that he doesn't want her to, but just he would feel so terribly responsible should something happen to her at home. He already feels bad that she's not getting better (he told me that himself... And I told him we've all done our best, and her condition is such she'll not get better...)

"he's really done a lot in the last month or so..." he really has. He managed to get large insurance payouts, help mum redraft and legalise her will, help mum be officially registered as a hospice patient with the option of home care, he's managed to find a suitable location for mum's remains to go to, one that even mum approves of. And he's done it all while being a part time dad and a husband. That's a lot!

The talk with my sister-in-law really helped me to understand better how brother feels and where he's coming from when he's moody and demanding. And it also helps me to be closer to him and see him in a different light. All of this will help us to grow closer together and to help ease things when we come to deal with and come to terms with mum's passing and arrangements that come afterward...