Diagnosis

"For two days she's well, and the third day [her health] decline[s]..." That was how the doctor described mum's condition. They tried to take some blood samples, but her blood vessels have shrunk to an extent that it's next to impossible. Only after poking in two areas did they manage to draw a few milliliters of blood. I watched and cringed as mum lay there with a face of agony...

The tone of Mum's face is especially dark today. And for the entire morning she writhed in bed in obvious discomfort. It's been four days since she last got out of bed. The last time her knee buckled when the carer and I tried to hold her up. That was cause for quite a scare, and it left mum gasping for air...

Two steps forward, three steps back. Mum is in decline. Every day she says things like: "It may not be long..." or "I'm just waiting..."

My nephew came and we all had lunch together. Mum had a small piece of chicken and a bite of rice and a mouthful of vegetables. That was her lunch. We watched a DVD about Canada, and we reminisced all the places we have been together. For that hour or so, she was lost in the memories of those travelling days gone by, she was focused and amassed by the mischievous grin of my little nephew who likes to wriggle like a worm and who likes to reach out and touch mum's arm...

I stroke her face, I stroke her hair, I touch her cheeks, I press my cheeks against the palms and feel the weak grasp of her hands... There are moments when I think to myself, when I see her gasp for air or close her eyes and grimace: "Is this it...? Is this the moment...? Is this how it ends...?"

But mum's life and fate have not run their course just yet. I keep on telling her "It doesn't matter how long... Don't think about it too much..." But I know deep down it matters, because she is in pain, she is not feeling well, she is suffering-- if not physical discomfort then she is suffering the humiliation of being mentally so wide awake as her body breaks down. The humiliation of being unable to walk, being unable to control her bladder or bowels, of having to wear diapers and being unable to change them herself and needing another to clean up after her...

Hang on there mum... We are here with you.