Conflict

I went home today in the morning, and even before I opened the door, i heard some shouting. Later I found out what.

The source of the conflict is mum's farewell ceremony (as it is know in Taiwan, in other words the funeral). It'll be held at the funeral parlor, which is a large site run by the city government containing several halls where funeral services can be held. If it is like how dad's funeral was arranged, we will be given a time slot, after which the body will be taken to the crematorium and cremated. Last time it was easy, because it was just adults. But this time, we have a little baby.

First of all, my nephew is getting more capricious and difficult to handle. He really cannot sit still for more than five minutes without whining or crying, so it's really not appropriate for him to be present at the funeral. Second of all, in local beliefs, very young children are supposed to be more 'sensitive' to the supernatural, and tend to also be more susceptible to 'interference' by spirits. It is not so much mum's spirit we are afraid of, but rather the spirits of others who are lingering around the place. And god only knows how many there are, especially at a crematorium!

My sister-in-law resolutely opposes taking my nephew to the funeral, mainly because she is afraid of how it will affect the baby. Brother said that ever since my nephew came back to Taipei to stay with us, he has been suddenly waking up in the middle of the night crying. Is it related to what he sees at the hospital when he visits mum? Who knows. Whatever the reason, my sister-in-law does not want the baby to be there. She can be there, and she will be there, but just not the baby...

But this may contravene some Taiwanese traditions, for the funeral is the final "farewell ceremony", and all the children and grandchildren are supposed to be there. It may even be seen as bad omen if the grandchildren are not there, for it may forespell bad fortunes for future generations to come. Whether this is superstition or myth, the absence of my nephew at the event may trigger some talk amongst family members...

So that was the argument, and while brother and I went to look for a place to place mum's temporary shine in the morning, my sister-in-law came to see mum and told her about her worries about my nephew. She somehow went home and ended up crying, I'm not sure what about or why. All I know is this issue is a strain on my brother and his wife's relationship.

I told brother over dinner to talk things through with her, and to try to find a compromise. "Be kind and gentle, don't force things," I told him. It's bad enough there have been tensions because of brother's bad temper these days, we don't need him to come across as unsympathetic and trying to force something his wife does not feel comfortable doing. Later, brother revealed to me that he himself is not too keen on the idea of taking his baby boy to the funeral parlor. "You remember that day when dad was cremated and when we had to pick his bones?" He was referring to a Taiwanese tradition, whereby the next of kin remaining are expected to pick up a piece of the bone of the deceased and place it into the urn. "Such a cruel tradition! I still have dreams about that till this day..." brother said. It is obvious that some of the traditions here offend him and he is uncomfortable himself, let alone have his very young boy exposed to a lot of things...

In the meantime, I spoke to mum again and explained the situation. Somehow, I seem to be able to get  her attention and understanding, and mum did not feel offended or angry any more. Her initial response was that she did not wish my sister-in-law to be at the funeral, which would have been a terrible indictment and cause considerable strain on their marriage (I would imagine....). But after I explained and tried to give mum all angles to the story, she softened and said she would not mind if the grandchild/my nephew were not there on that day. "He will go visit you in your resting place, that is for sure," I assured mum, "But it's just not convenient for him to be at the funeral. You see how noisy and unruly he can become, even just at the hospital!"

So for now, a crisis seems to have been averted. And I am glad I was able to play a role in lubricating the wheels and playing the peacemaker....