angry

I know she is in pain. Just how much I cannot know, just how unbearable I can never feel. But of everything I do for her, of all the time I spend by her side, it hurts to be shouted at.

I know she's unable to control her temper, and she doesn't mean it. I know it's the pain talking, it's the suffering that is driving her to lose her cool. And after the shouting is over, after the moment has passed, after the hurtful words have subsided, there is no more hurt. But it breaks my heart to hear mum be abusive, not just to me, but also to the nurse who is just doing her job...

"I'm going to pull this needle  out myself!" She tugged at the IV in her arm, I watched in horror  and in pain. She was angry, restless, tired, and her hand was very numb. But the nurse was just following instructions, and mum needs the drips for her health to improve. "Just five more minutes," the nurse said, "I'll be back in five minutes." Within two mum stormed out to the nurses station and insisted the  IV be taken out.


I followed her, embarassed by her behaviour, but also worried she might trip and fall. Her walk is still very unstable, her stride wobbly, despite her claims that she does not need anyone by her side. Which puts the pressure on me, for she refuses to have anyone come see her or visit... Twenty-two hours at the hospital today. I am tired...


I only hope she can sleep well tonight, and that by morning, she will feel better, and her temporary anger and frustrations will have subsided...


In the meantime, I tell myself to let go... she is in pain, she is frustrated... It doesn't matter what she said to me, even if it hurts.