All clear

I went in, they checked my eye sight, took my blood and urine samples, and did an ultrasound. I saw my liver, spleen and kidneys. "All good, nothing growing..." They weighed me, and I have lost around two kilograms over the past few weeks. As I suspected, for a number of people have told me this when they saw me. Seeing mum vomit has greatly reduced my own appetite. If she cannot eat, how can I sit there and indulge in food? Who can?

They led me into the colonoscopy and endoscopy room. There was difficulty at first to administer the anesthetic, for my veins are too thin. The nurse poked around my forehand for a few minutes, poking and poking until there was backflow, which meant that the needle went into the vein. I cringed as the needle lifted the top layer of my skin and dug deeper and deeper. I was led to a bed and told to lie down. A doctor adjusted my hand a bit, and I felt a rush of a liquid up my veins. They put in an oxygen tube in my nostrils, asked me to bite on something to keep my mouth open. Within seconds I began to feel lightheaded as I lay there. "I feel dizzy," I even said, and I don't know from what moment I could no longer remember where I was or how I got there....


I heard my name, the doctor called my name. I came to and was lying in a different  room with the curtains drawn. I was very dizzy, like I was knocked out and time just passes without me knowing.

"It's all done?" I asked slowly. My speech was slurred.

"All done. Rest a bit and an assistant will come get you." I looked at my watch, and it was almost half past ten, an hour or so after I first entered the procedure room. For quite some time I felt dizzy, and my stomach felt bloated. It was normal, they told me, for in order to see the intestines more clearly, they needed to pump air into the intestines in order to expand it. The air will "naturally" pass out during the day (and it did... on various occasions.)

They did not take any incisions or autopsies, which means that there are no polyps or abnormal lumps. All clear for cancer in the bowels then! I was relieved, even though I was still reeling from the effects of the anesthetic. I had some bread and apples and a hot mix of pine nuts and soy milk, and the nurse came to briefly explain that as far as they can tell now, there is just some inflammation of my stomach and intestines. Stress related probably. Another issue that I had not anticipated was something with my heart they observed during the time I was knocked out. Straight away, they made appointments to see two specialists, one to further diagnose and explain to me the minor problems with my bowels, and the other appointment with the cardiologist to further see what is wrong with my heart.

I walked around the hospital for a while, up and down 13 floors, just to get some exercise. Though I was happy there is nothing 'wrong' with me, at least very relieved that there are no signs of cancer, I felt so heavy and so very tired. It was then I realised and understood. Perhaps this is what mum feels like nowadays, but much, much worse, and coupled with perpetual discomfort from the numbness in her arms and the lingering pain from her surgery. I made a mental note not to be too hard on her, to be more compassionate and understanding...

I wandered around the hospital, and was so very dizzy I needed to sit down to wait for my next appointment. And I napped...