3AM

A few hours prior to my extensive physical examination. I had to drink a laxative last night to clear our my intestines so they see through it more clearly. I had to rush to the washroom within an hour of drinking the extremely salty solution. No wonder they said to drink it at home and be within reach of a washroom. I almost didn't make it in time, and those movie scenes in which people prank others by adding laxatives in their food or drink... Well, now I understand how it feels.

And now there's a second laxative I had to drink, I guess to make sure every comes out. And it is all coming out, as it's just pouring out like a severe case of diarrhoea...

To be honest I'm a little anxious about the physical. I know it's vital that I get it done, especially given my family history, even though I'm still relatively young. But a part of me thinks, fears and imagines: what if they find something in my bowels? I stood in the shower last night and wondered how I would react. A thought flashed across my mind as I showered... If I do have something "bad", am I then lucky to have inherited this gift from my parents...?

I cannot be ill, I will not fall ill... I've been to the hospital so often, I've seen patients and doctors, needles and chemo wards far too much and far too often that I just dread having to do it even more and more often if I am to be struck down by the "gift" of cancer...

But it's not something I myself can control. The past couple of years I've lived with severe cases of trauma and almost constant stress, dealing with death and cancer, and also emotional trauma from the decline of the relationship with my ex. The two matters that really have mattered the most in my whole life, all falling apart at the same time. Everything together has been very unsettling and deeply impacted my emotional wellbeing, and often affecting my physical health. There are days I feel this pain in my bowels, this terrible discomfort as if I can't digest and feel bloated and ill. Moments and feelings like that worry me a lot, adding to the initial burden of stress I have to face in daily life...

Yes, I can say I'm anxious and even scared about the physical. If they do discover something, they can tell at the first instance, and will need to take samples. And I should know within two weeks...

Right now, my bowels are grumbling again, and my behind feels like it's about to erupt again!