Caring

I sat in the house and quietly meditated. The phone rang, and it was the monk in the  mountains. I have not contacted him for over three weeks since I last saw him. In a way because I have nothing new to say, and I hate to call up and just complain about the situation here and how unbearably frustrated and helpless I feel. So I have been avoiding calling him, and also avoiding contact with people. I know it's not healthy, but it's my way of coping...

Though I have not spoken to the monk, I did send him a package in the post. It was a hand written card together with some pictures of flowers and beautiful scenery. The last time I saw him, he looked like he desperately needed cheering up. So I sent him the pictures in the hope of inspiring him, of urging him to look on the brighter side of life.

He called and asked how I was doing. "No news is good news..." Literally. I described how the past few weeks have been. Treatments, hospital visits, vomiting, seeing mum get weaker and thinner by the day, the difficulty of getting mum to eat, the frustration of being and feeling so hopeless and helpless...
I admitted to the monk how frustrated I get, how angry at times I feel. It's not directed at mum, though it comes out towards mum, and I know it is not good for her. "It's normal," he said. He knows, because he went through that with his disciple, who was in and out of hospital for two year for treatment before the cancer took him away. I guess after a while, after taking care of someone who does not seem to get better, you get too close. You start to feel like a failure, and you blame yourself, and (wrongly so) the patient for not getting better. It is not healthy, I know... But it does happen, and I do need to keep that in mind. Not as a justification to get upset and frustrated and lose my patience quickly. But as a reminder that I am just human, and I too have limits, like any other human being.

"You are so thoughtful, even when you have your head full of things there, you sent me the package," the monk said. I don't know why I was moved to tears almost immediately. And I replied from my heart. "You are one of the people who matter in my life..."

Without blowing my own horn, it is true that I am so caring in many ways. Even in the face of difficulties, even when feeling dejected and so hopeless, I have not stopped giving hope to others, and I have not stopped showing people who matter most to me that I care about them, that I think of them. I wrote to my uncle, who is very ill and close to death... I wrote to encourage a dear friend in Belgium, who having faced the passing of her dear mother is in the final stages of her doctoral degree... I wrote to the monk, in the hope of making him feel better... And I even wrote to my ex, sending him pictures and little notes in the hope that he may be comforted and have the feeling that despite the lack of communication from my part, I am still thinking of him, and that I still care about his wellbeing and happiness.

Again, without sounding full of myself, I wonder what it would be like to meet "me", or someone like me, who rarely stops thinking about others and how they are doing... I really need one such person in my life, who can encourage me, support me and carry me through whatever I am facing.

And for the time being, until I meet this someone like me, I have me.