Our heads touched as I curled up next to mum. It's become a ritual of sorts, and it is my hope that this kind of close bodily contact can put mum's mind at ease, and help her fall asleep quicker.
Mum lay under a thick blanket, to protect from the cold, cold spell, and I placed my arm over mum's body, stroking her arm. For many moments, we lay there. Just the two of us in the world, it felt like, against the world. It felt so terribly lonely, just us two against everything else. The rain dropped heavily, the wind howled loudly. Nobody would ever hear of the conversation mum and I just had. Nobody else would know of the heaviness that hung around the room. The teddy bear my ex gave me to keep me company at night sat on the edge of the bed. His head hung low, his face looked so sad.
I could hear mum breathing heavily, a sign that she is falling asleep soon. Another long day at an end. Is sleep the safest refuge from waking moments? Is sleep a refuge from seeing mum suffer, seeing mum sick and vomit? If so, my disturbed sleeping patterns, and the discomfort in my bowels, sure does not provide me with real rest, real refuge...
Mum lay in bed and again said things along the lines of how she has burdened me so. I get very upset hearing her say that. "You are too good to me, and I am too dependent on you..." I closed my eyes tightly, so afraid to let my tears flow, for that would just make mum more sad, more depressed. And she needs happiness, now more than ever. If I cannot give her happiness, the worst thing I could do is give her more sadness and more things to feel remorseful about.
Too good? How can I be too good to her when often nowadays I feel I cannot do enough? And however good I am to her, I can only be there part of the time. I cannot be there all the time. I am not ready to give my whole life up and dedicate myself to taking care of her. I am too 'selfish' to do that, and neither would mum want that. I know she wants me to be happy, to live my life as I wish, as I dream of. Even if it means not being close to her.
"I can really only do what I can while I am here. It is my hope that before I leave, you can be stable enough on your own and do things by yourself," I said. Really, that has always been the reason why I stay and stay with her, the reason why I come back to be with mum whenever she undergoes treatment. So that she can get back on her feet again. So that she can be well enough and live again.
"All I ever want is you to be happy," I said. Yes, oddly it sounds so much like what I say to my ex, but it is true. For the dearest people, the people closest to my heart I only wish them well-being and happiness. And if it means giving up something, whether my time or my own happiness, to give them that so be it.
Mum began talking about money again, and I stopped her before she could continue any further. I stopped her in a rude and abrupt way, I know. I raised my voice, I know. It's terrible of me to do that, I know. But I really just detest it when she talks about money. It's always the same thing... she fears she's spending too much of her money and that she will not have much to leave to me. "I'm afraid of all the medical costs, and costs of hiring someone to take care of me will finish all my pension..."
So what? So I get little or nothing in the end. But I don't want anything. I really don't. I don't doubt that one day, when I can find a job and good career, I can provide for myself. I don't need riches, I don't need luxury to be happy. I just need to get on comfortably, that's all I need and want. And I believe I can do that on my own without having to rely on whatever mum wants to leave me. Actually, it is a wish of mine that when the day comes, and should she leave something for me, I want to give the money to charity in honour of her. In honour of my dear, brave mother who gave me so much, and even after life does not stop giving me...
"How can you even think of money at this moment?" I said. Money, money... in the face of the uncertainty surrounding life and how much longer there is left, what is money to anyone? I know, I can say this because we are a middle class family, and have never really needed to think about or worry about money too much. But especially at this stage in mum's life, money matters even less. If she finishes her savings and pension, I can take out what I have from what my dad left me. Whatever it takes for mum to be comfortable, to be free from pain, to be free from suffering, and free from regret in her life.
My head touched mum's. I closed my eyes. Quietly and in my mind I wished... "Peace... Happiness... Freedom from suffering... Sleep well, mama, sleep beautifully..."
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