It has come to this...

Throughout these past few years, having been with mum so long through rough and turbulent periods, I have never seen her like this. So sick, so frail, so depressed and so suicidal... It's like she has given up, just waiting for that day to end all days. And she doesn't want me by her side. She's telling me to go.

 "I'm going to become paralysed..." "I'm going to get poisoned by all these drugs I'm taking..." I can only imagine how her pains and discomforts are causing mum to be so extreme in her thinking.  But I am beginning to crack and beginning to lose ways of coping.  

So helpless now, so utterly unable to lift her from the depths of her suffering, from the black hole of her negativity and bitterness... The darkest, darkest period of my life yet, and my head is aching terribly. God... dad...  Listen to the sound of mum coughing, listen to her moans, listen to her vomiting...  And listen to my prayers. Perhaps I don't pray hard and long enough.