Get better soon?

Since mum left the hospital, I have rarely massaged her. She seemed to be getting better, she seemed to be walking just fine. But more and more, her mental and physical health is steadily in decline. Tonight, just before she fell asleep, I knelt by her bedside, like a boy kneeling in prayer, and began to massage her arms.

It felt so limp, so weak, so lacking in energy. It felt exactly like this after she had the surgery, and for the weeks that she was confined to the hospital premises.  I pulled her fingers, rubbed the arms, massaged the muscles and shoulders. I felt bad, like I have neglected to take better care of her ever since she got home. But out of nowhere, as I was working on her arm: "You do so much for me..." Mum's words made me instantly cry. Silently cry. Because I feel at times like I have failed to take better care of her, like I am failing her, that's why she is not getting better...

I know, I should not think this way. But as a child, who grew up seeing his mother be the strong refuge to weather all troubles and worries,  it is painful to see her become steadily more frail, and steadily fade... I try, and I try so hard, to make her feel comfortable, to make her feel loved. Yes, there are moments when I am so very frustrated that I lose my temper. There are moments when I am rude to her, and push her too hard because she does not seem to be eating or exercising as she should do. Like she said to me before, I am not the one with cancer. I can never understand what it feels like to feel almost constantly ill, to be in almost constant pain, to be weighed down mentally by an invisible illness that is occupying your body, your thoughts, your worst fears and reminding you of your eventual demise...

Even now, as I was writing, I heard mum coughing... And I rushed to her room to find her bent over the toilet bowl. In the water were bits of leftovers from her dinner, floating. Mum kept on spitting, and throwing up... "Please don't come here," she told me. But I stayed and patted her back..."

I only hope, and hope some more if it is not enough, that mum will get better soon. And even if she does not get better, all I can hope is that she will feel better, and be less burdened by pain and suffering...