Disturbed

One phone call on my birthday, and for the next three days I am so disturbed and so agitated. I know, the problem is with me, for if only I let go, then there would be no problems, no thoughts, no sleepless nights or disturbed dreams.

My thoughts keep wandering to my ex, to how we could become like this.... After all we have been through, all that intimacy and sharing over the past three years, how can we become so distant, so estranged? How could he just call me and start crying when I'm already so distraught and so very broken myself?

Is it me? Is it my refusal to let him into my life because he has told me he is happy with someone else? Is it me being selfish? Perhaps I could just make it easier for him, for all of us, and let him in, give him news, be there to support him when he needs my support.

But what about me? Is it vindictive to say: he was the one who told me to move on! He was the one who said he's found happiness! I'm not sure...
Really, I just cannot get over the fact that if he has someone already in his life, if he has someone to replace the position I occupied in his life, why does he need me? Why does he even need me to be there when he cries? Why does he need me to talk to him and listen to him when he is upset?

And who will listen to me? My ex can't even listen for five minutes without breaking down and crying... Who will hold me and give me the sense of security and safety, all that which he gave me and one day with his change of heart I no longer feel comfortable receiving from him. He can be willing to be there, and I do not doubt he will be there for me, but I simply cannot rely on someone who can switch his mind and switch his heart so quickly and who can pretend everything is the same again. I simply cannot turn to a friend, who claims to be my best friend, and yet who cannot even remember the painful and provocative things he said to me on one of the most difficult nights of my life as I was preparing to rush home to see mum...

Thus is the problem with me then? Should I just open up, let him into my life and make myself vulnerable to him, make myself weak? Should I just let it all go, let bygones be bygones, let words just be words spoken out of tiredness and confusion be forgotten and forget? Make myself available to talk to him, and then after or before talking to me he can turn to his special friend for sweet talk and further support? I just don't think that is necessary.

I just don't see how that will benefit anyone at all, and how it will make me recover and move on...

But I don't see how we, two friends, two former lovers, who used to share so much, who used to delight so beautifully in one anothers company, can reconcile or move closer together with this current impasse and divide between us...