Censorship

After my ex called and spoke to me last week I (temporarily) restricted access my blog. The reason? He and his boyfriend (or whatever they are to one another) wrote to me within minutes of one another. Apparently straight after my ex spoke to me and broke down in tears, he called up his friend and god knows what was said. I was very offended why my wellbeing and my mum's health is even the topic of discussion between them, especially when I've already removed myself from the dynamic between them. How bizarre (even insulting) it was to receive an email from my ex's new partner (or whatever) telling me how I should feel and telling me to let people know how things are going here... He even ended the email with "xoxoxo", as if we are the closest of friends.

I just don't see why my ex is still so concerned about how things are going with me after he can turn to me and say "Move on!" and tell me about his newfound happiness on the night of my departure. I just don't see why he cares so much to keep on reading my blog, and why he should become so agitated and worried when he doesn't receive news from me. If he's happy, he's happy. And the happiness is not with me, after all my attempts to make him feel happy and appreciated. So what else can I do if he is not happy? I free him from the 'unhappiness' and tears I seem to bring him, I give him completely to the person he is so happy with. That is all I can do. He doesn't need to check my blog an have his happiness contaminated by what I write on here, and then turn to his new-found happiness and talk about me. Why would you even do that?

In fact, I've been sort of censoring my blog since August, right after my ex said to me he needs to "resolve" his feelings for me. I had my suspicions from that day that he has already decided that he needs to move on, forget about me or us in any capacity. It's just over these past few months, Ive been fooling myself into thinking perhaps I could move him, perhaps if I hang around long enough, he would turn around and change his heart. And what a fool I was to stick around and listen to him say "Have patience... Wait..."

So I censor my blog, or at least delay publishing some of the entries that have any bearing on my thoughts, my fears and worries, especially those entries that relate to my ex. Why should he have full access to my heart and my mind, full access to my life, when often I've found myself trying to second guess what he's thinking or doing? Besides, if he wants to move on, really move on and forget whatever it was between us that pushed him wanting to be with someone who can bring him happiness, he does not need to be constantly updated by the sad and heavy stuff, the stuff of real life, that I'm facing day in and day out. How can you be in a relationship with one person and still occupy your mind with thoughts and worries of your ex?

It's not fair to anyone.