HND-TSA

110612.1111

On board Eva Air plane which will take me straight to downtown Taipei. To my surprise, it is another Hello Kitty jet. Life is full of unexpected surprises...

A quick turnaround in tokyo, and now on the final leg of my journey home. This is such a difficult journey. My heart is racing and my mind is so agitated. The contrast of my feelings and the cuteness of the plane interior is extreme. I just got a reply from my friend, the one who has gone before down this difficult, difficult road of losing one's mother. She wrote: "... do not question the events, just live them. What has to come, will come."

What is coming? I think I know. I have been told to expect the worst. Brother said mum's condition has further deteriorated. She has difficulty eating, and half a bowl is already a lot for her. "Don't force her to eat, because she'll get very upset. Just listen to what she wants and accord her her wishes. Don't argue with her..." brother told me.

"And don't cry. It'll hurt her if you cry. If you need to cry, go outside. Don't be surprised by what you see..."

What will I see? How has mum changed since i was with her last? How will she has deteriorated that will make my heart break and me break down? I do not know. I do not know what to expect. But it will be a test... Test of my endurance, test of my faith and courage, and test of whether the teachings of impermanence and letting go is truly ingrained in me. Did the period of pre-mourning when I was back in Canada help?

I will find out soon enough.

I must remind myself that it is ok to cry (when mum is not around...). And it is ok also not to cry. I must remind myself that the absence of tears does not equate the absence of feelings or emotions. Instead, it may signify the ultimate level of serenity, reached when you know you've done everything you can with what the time and means you have been given. And I believe I have given mum everything I possibly could...

Whatever happens from now, whatever I see and experience just will be...
Whatever will be will be.