Dreams

Another night full of dreams. Dreams of my ex, dreams which are so unsettling and so distracting...

I think of him, perhaps too much. I miss him... does he me? What is he doing half way around the world? I do not know. Did he break things off with his boyfriend as he promised to, as he told a mutual friend he would?  Can I write to him, call him, confide in him and not feel like I am intruding in something and not think perhaps he is with another person?

He writes to me,  he tells me how much he is thinking of me, praying for me and my mum. But the way we left things is so uncertain. He seemed to tell me to hold on, to keep on hanging there and wait for him to resolve things. But there is no assurance that he is being true to his word that he will deal with things and remove obstacles to us getting back together.

What saddens me most is that he has not called once since we said goodbye. He knows, or can at least very well imagine,  how difficult this trip is for me. Other friends have at least called as I was about to leave the country. My ex, someone with whom I've shared so much with, someone I've never had any inhibition  in opening up to over the last few years, did not even do that (to be fair, he did write a few emails...). How much does he really care? How could he say he cares and then not even bother to call since we said goodbye in such a terrible manner?  How could he give me feelings of hope and tell me he loves me and would like to be with me, and yet just turn so cold after I leave the country?

I should not be left lingering like this... Don't I deserve some clarity or at least some closure? I really don't like being left like this. It is so distracting to be left to wonder what is (if anything) between us still,  and to constantly have to hesitate and wonder whether I can turn to him and seek support from him at this critical time of need...