Approaching the end

Mum has said sentences to me over the past day or so, since I arrived back, which I pretend not to hear. I do hear them, and I think I know what she would like to say, but I'm just unsure what to respond.

"There isn't much time..." 時間不多了
"I am leaving soon..."

What do I say to that? I tell her not to think too much, not to be afraid. I reassure her by stroking her arm, holding her hand, playing with her face, or by lying at her feet. "I'll be here all the time... We're all here with you. Don't think or worry too much..."

I think this is how you assure someone. I need to ask the counsellors and volunteers who are walking around the hospice ward. But I believe telling the patient who knows her days are numbered that you will be there throughout the whole process helps.

I see mum blink a lot. I see her sort of move her mouth and tongue in a 'chewing' motion. Sometimes I see her face, her thin, bony face, tense up as if she is holding back tears and stopping herself from crying. There are dark shadows around her eyes, and due to the thinness of her face, the eye sockets seem especially prominent.

I smile at mum a lot, and sometimes nothing but smiles are exchanged. I'm not sure what she is thinking, and when I ask her, she casually says "Nothing much..." I know what I am thinking when I look at her...

How beautiful mum is, how lucky I am that she is my mother! Silently I wish her peace, silently I hope and wish and pray that she is not in too much discomfort... Silently, I hope that all this will not take too long, and that she can "go" quietly, gracefully and in the dignified way that, as one friend put it, is deceiving of a "Grande Dame".