1AM

130612.0155

I was dreaming of flying and airports before the dreams were interrupted by a gagging sound. I turned my head, and saw mum vomit into a plastic bag. I remember this... I remember this all too well.

I rushed to her side. The carer already held the bag next to mum's mouth and was stroking mum's thin throat. Mum gagged and gagged. I held onto her had, which was hidden under her blanket. I looked at her with eyes that tried to comfort her, reassure her and remind her that I am by her side. A thought of choking, a gruesome image of mum chocking to death flashed across my mind...

Mum has become so thin. Her neck looks like that of a vulture, and is veiny and her bones are exposed under the thin flesh. I stroked mum's thin arm and held onto her hand. "It's ok... I'm here now. I'm here at your side no matter what..." I silently said.

A few more gagging sounds, and the discomfort mum was in seemed to have subsided. "Why is it like this...?" she asked, sounding puzzled and confused. I stroked her arm. I was reminded of what the doctor said hours earlier when he came in and when I asked him to update me on the latest. "The cancer is progressing. The duodenum and bile duct areas seem to have become blocked. That's why she has trouble eating now, and that's why she's throwing up more and more..."

"Go back to bed..." she said, "Go back to bed..." She looked at me with begging eyes. I know it pains her to vomit, not just because of the discomfort it causes her, but also because she feels "guilty" that it upsets me to see her sick and gag.

I stroked her arm a bit more, and patted her forehead and her hair. Her face has changed since I last saw her. She is thinner, more frail, bonier. I loathe to see her naked body, see how much of her body mass has been eaten away by the cancer to leave behind just bones and skin...

But cancer, you can change the way mum looks, you can rob her dignity and cause her to involuntarily vomit ad gag, you can "punish" her with vomiting and being sick... But I will continue to love her, hold her, stroke her arm and with the softness of my voice reassure her...