Mum and I were both so very tired when we got home late in the afternoon. She went to her bed immediately, and I wanted to lie down too for a few moments.
Then the phone rang, and I picked up quickly, for it was a number I associate most with my brother calling from skype. It was not my brother. It was my ex.
I was distant on the phone, cold, perhaps even rude. I initially did not want to talk much, and just let the conversation come to an end. I really was in no mood to talk, and in least of a mood to talk about mum's ordeal and my feelings. But for some time I have been meaning to talk to him, to hopefully get to the bottom of this impasse between us, and the confusion and disturbed thoughts I have been having since I read an email he wrote me declaring his love for me.
I am just so very confused what it is he wants... He has a relationship, as far as I can tell. He told me to move on and go see people the day I left. And then suddenly, days after my birthday he tells in a series of emails me about regrets he has, about how he has come to realise what I mean to him in his life. I really don't know what to do with that...
Is he trying to get close to my heart, because I have been distancing myself from him these two (almost three) months I have been away and minimised all contact with him? Is he just trying to be a friend, or is he trying to see if I will be moved to get back together again? And do I just let him into my life again, after seeing him tell me time and time again, after seeing him time and time again go after someone else? Do I let him back in, when for the past year and a half I have been struggling so painfully hard trying to balance my emotions and energies between being there for my mum and maintaining something, whatever it is, with an ex who has touched my life like no other before?
I kept on telling him how I have been so torn by the deterioration of my relationship with him and by the deterioration of my mum's condition. Really, in all my life, I have never had to fight on two "fronts", and to fight to try to salvage, or at least soothe two fundamental aspects that are so core to my life and wellbeing. You know what it has done to me? Really torn me and my mind to shreds... really caused me so many disturbed dreams and waking moments...
In my ex's latest message to me, he says he wants to come all the way here to see me. Fly half way around the world to see me. I am touched, but at the same time I am also very wary... What is he trying to prove? That he can be a friend and not feel in any way conflicted by being there for me, and being in a relationship with someone else? Or is he trying to absolve his own feelings of guilt for not being able to be there for me because of the circumstances we find ourselves in? Is he coming to see me to tell me in person "Let's start all over again!"? How I dream and imagine that last possibility being true; how I long for perhaps some ending to the confused and painful breakup we have had to endure!
But that is just a fantasy, just an imagination... The stuff of movies, the stuff of fairytales perhaps!
But I don't know what he wants... I told him in several emails ever since I last saw him to go and be happy. I told him I have no ill feelings toward him, that I do no lament anything we ever had and lost. I told him to live with no regrets and not to dwell over the past, because I thank him dearly for all he has ever done for me and is still trying to do for me... But he just is not able to let go of me. He just does not seem able to "resolve me", as he once told me he wanted to do...
What is it about me that he cares about so much? What is it about me that he loves so much? I have hurt him in the past, I stood in his way of love. He came out of a long term relationship hoping to be with me. He interrupted a potential relationship to be with me (though that was shortlived, and he is now back with that guy again...). What is it that he sees in me or needs so badly from me that he cannot get from anyone else? Why me of all people? Why can't he forget me and let go of me?
I simply do not understand, and am frankly very scared... I am afraid of being drawn into his declaration of his love, afraid that it may just be "sweet talk" to woo me, and that some time down the line, he will grow tired of me and tell me he wants someone else.
I am so afraid of his feelings, such strong feelings of care and love it seems, because how true are they, how true can they be when he was the one who seemed for several months so eager to jump into a relationship with someone else? How true can feelings be for someone when you can seemingly easily move onto another relationship? Am I, have I, just an option for him?
Or did my ex realise come to a realisation, a deep, deep realisation after much time alone (or at least away from me) that I am "the one" (if there is such a thing...) in his life?
I don't know. I simply do not know what he is thinking or "playing at", for frankly after the long drawn out breakup between us, after he told me things like how much he cares and loves me, and yet goes and spend more and more time with another, I have difficulty in trusting him...
However much I am moved by his declaration of love for me, however much I am in some ways tempted to perhaps see what future we may still have together, I am so afraid of getting hurt again and again by him. Afraid that he is now trying to get close to me so that he can have his relationship, and have whatever benefits he can get from me...
Is it too self-focused to feel this way, to even think this way? I am in such a vulnerable, vulnerable state of mind right now, I just cannot think clearly. And my ex's attempt to reach me, to be there for me scares me, and I don't know how to accept or receive it. How do I accept his care and get close to him and not feel hurt? How do I accept his care and not perpetually feel belittled and reduced to being someone "on the side", as I have been feeling for a long time now as my ex and his romance matured?
I really don't know what he wants, what he is trying to do to me. I just hope he is not playing games with me or my heart... I know, it's terrible to even think this way, or to think he can do that. But really, at this stage in my life, I am just so desperate to get love and assurance, desperate to find comfort and familiarity again that I am afraid my judgment and feelings may be confused and clouded...
Really, I am now more confused and more conflicted than before when I was not taking his calls and avoiding direct contact with him...
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