When will the time be? Why do I dream about it so much? Why do I think about it so much?
I can't describe this feeling inside, this gut feeling something is about to happen. Something terrible. Something soon.
And I woke up today with so much pain and stomach acid suddenly accumulating in my mouth I had to go spit it all out...
It was a terrible, terrible feeling that lingered for the rest of the day, which was not helped by a three hour bike ride along the river banks. On my ride, my thoughts drifted to mum, to images of her dying and her final moments... Horrible, horrible images!
And my mind also drifted to my ex, to whether I should contact him and give him, give us a chance again. Why is it that in my darkest moments, I think of him, and have this urge to contact him? Why do I keep on seeing and imaging that he would show up and stand by me as mum slowly fades and disappears from my life? Why do I keep on imagining that mum's eventual will be the reason to bring us together again and, having gone through something so fundamental and life-changing, the reason we will always stay together?
Perhaps Facing death and so painfully seeing mum suffer and fade from my life is making me delirious...
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