Emptiness of feeling

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I walked around the store by myself after dinner. Dinners have become a solo affair since mum started not being able to eat around three weeks ago.

Normally, in the evening I'd drag mum out for a walk, but walking now has become a difficult and painful ordeal, even if it's to the department store or the sports park a few hundred metres away.

I originally went to the store looking for something to aid mum's sleep, but I was disappointed they didn't have what I was looking for. I walked around a bit, and came to the music store, where lonesome music of Sara Maclauclin sounded on the stereo.

I don't know why I suddenly felt so lonely, and why tears came to my eyes. I looked around me, a store with lots of people, with lots of parents walking around with their children. Not long ago, mum and I could and did come walk around here, but now I'm not sure when, if ever, mum will regain the strength to venture that far and wander aimlessly browsing the aisles of the department store she frequented so often.

Right there, in the middle of the store, my mind jumped to "that moment", as it has been doing a lot over the past few days. The moment of final goodbye...

I saw mum lie there calmly, peacefully, and I saw brother and his family all gathered around the bed. They were in tears, but brother was comforted by and comforting his wife, while my little nephew looked around with big curious eyes wondering what was happening. I saw myself stand there alone, all alone over mum's bed. I was holding her hand, comforting her, telling her something.

The next image was me alone at night, so afraid, so very fraught with sadness and grief, so drained, so empty of feelings... There was nobody to comfort me... I felt so sad by the image that was vividly playing in my mind... My thoughts drifted to one person, for I have often imagined that he would be by my side when the time comes. But that person was not there...

And right there, in the middle of the store, I shed a tear. I was so filled with dread, so full of fear that when the time comes, I'll have to cope on my own. I know i have it in my to deal with the final goodbye, a moment I have been "rehearsing" in my drifting thoughts and dreams, a moment I have experienced before with dad's passing. But I feel perhaps mum's final moment may have a whole new and more profound impact than anything else I've ever had to undergo. I fear I may be devastated and shattered beyond consolation.

But that is all conjuncture, all my imagination and fears getting the better of me. I'll have to cope, and I believe I can cope, even though deep down inside, I so crave and long to have someone at my side when I face perhaps the most difficult moment of my life.

A moment that may soon be approaching any day...