Dreaming of the ex

How disturbed I am...

Is my mind just seeking an escape from the nightmarishness of things at home by conjuring images of fantasies with my ex in them? Or am I deep down inside really missing him so much, but have just been suppressing my feelings for so long?

I dreamed I was asking mum (who looked relatively healthy... Anything is better the condition she is in now...) about whether I should move in with my ex (which I guess in the dream would no longer be my ex if we were planning to move in together.) She didn't say much, just something along the lines of "as long as it feels right".

Strangely, I have been having thoughts of living together with my ex for some time, even recently. When I read his email in which he declared clearly his feelings for me, I imagined proposals to get married, my mind produced images of having dinner together at home after we both come back from a long day at work... I imagined holidays in far away places, I imagined sleeping next to him every night for the rest of our lives and how wonderful that would be...

Back to the dream last night... Another scene was mum visiting us in Canada somewhere. And it did not feel awkward at all, but so very natural. My ex (or whatever he is in my dream) was very courteous and welcoming of my mother, and we got along just fine together (sadly, unlike when mum goes to Europe to stay with my brother and my sister-in-law...)

What is wrong with me...? Just sweet words and attempts to woo my heart again have this effect on me? how can I have any assurance any of these dreams can be realised? How can I ever know whether or not my ex is true to me and really wants to have a whole new start between us and get rid of all the ugliness and misunderstandings that have dogged our relationship/friendship for the past several months?

I have no assurances, I only have fantasies and imaginations. And though they are beautiful to indulge in, though they make me temporarily escape the heaviness of life (and possible death) here, they cause me only more confusion, they are a disturbance that distracts me from my priorities in life at the moment...