Calling mum

Just lying in bed trying to sleep. Another long day filled with family and friends visiting and paying respects to mum at home. A lot of smiles, and trying to host and 'entertain' people when they come. It's only the second day, but it's tiring to call up people and deliver sad news, and to tell people how it all happened. I know I still have to write down what happened that day in detail last Friday, but I'm too tired to do so. And every time I tell recount that moment when mum passed away, it is as if I relive it again. I can see the scene, feel mum's last breath, feel her hands grow colder. Feel her body stop moving forever...

Just now, my brother picked up the phone and said: "Mama..."

I had my eyes closed, but when I heard those words, I instinctively opened my eyes. Of course, I realised a few sentences later, he was talking to his mother in law. After mum left, my brother still, in a way, has someone to call "mother".

I have none. And this thought made me so sad, and feel so alone...

I know it's very different, and perhaps the comparison is horrible because I do, or at least did, have parents. But I feel like I am an orphan now. There were moments before mum passed away when I imagined what it would be like to be "parentless". And now I know what if feels like...

Empty. Alone. Abandoned. Left to discover the world without someone I can turn to for advice or guidance. All on my own now. Who can I call "mama" now? Who can I phone when I want to talk to someone dear and close, and not feel like I'm imposing myself? Who can I visit and feel welcomed and at home every-time? Who will care for me and love me unconditionally and unquestionably, hold me and comfort me no matter what or when?

Perhaps I have not yet realised what I just lost, but the effects and consequences of losing my remaining parent is dawning on me.

And I'm beginning to hurt, more and more.