Knowing what you want

A friend came by to visit today, someone who was in my year. She knows mum, and has in the past four years been very supportive of mum and I. She happens to live in Taipei, and on occasion has even come to visit mum when I was not around. And a number of times on Mother's Day, she would send mum a text message.

We share not just the year we began our studies. Her mum passed away several years ago, also due to cancer. She knows the battle of a cancer warrior, and she knows even better the role and pains of a cancer warriors sidekick.

She came by after work to pay respects to mum. Her eyes were moist almost as soon as she stood before the altar. And throughout the evening, as she recounted her experience and listened to mine, she would sniff her nose. I know it is difficult to recall memories. And she reminded me that even after many years the memories will make you tear and cry.

"Give yourself the time to cry..." she said. She said she didn't allow herself that opportunity, for she worked and worked, and her only form of release was when she drank herself silly and poured her emotions out. She regretted that.

We shared stories about the intricacies of Taiwanese funeral rites and traditions and taboos surrounding mourning. Some things make us laugh, others make us feel so strange and upsetting, especially when relatives try to meddle and come in acting as I they know best. Fortunately, we have not had much of that (yet?), as in mum's will she clearly stated that she wanted her two children to take care of the funeral arrangements. And I will of course not disappoint.

"Having gone through this, I think we both know what we want in life..." she said, "We want someone who will be true and lasting, because really life is already so short and there is even less time to love!"

My friend described how when her mother passed away, her boyfriend put his job on hold for a while and immediately rushed back from the US to be with her throughout the entire process. "That is a show of real love..."
And when her boyfriend's mother passed away, she arranged him to travel home so that he could see her again before she left this world. Experiences like this build a relationship, consolidate how much two people mean to one another. Perhaps nothing really brings people together than death, grief and mourning. Death makes you realise how feeble and how temporary we are, and makes you treasure more what you have. Experiencing death in the family makes you love and realise that really, in the end only love matters, and that love will conquer everything.

"Your ex wanting to all the way here is not just out of friendship," he reminded me. "it's a long way to travel and a lot of effort just for a friend..."

Is it?

It is.