Rough wake up

I slept barely for three hours last night. I was hungry suddenly and got up to eat something. Brother too could not sleep, and we think it's related to the fact that Incense is constantly burning in a small space, making our throats dry and head ache. So we ended up watching part of the eufa finals.

I had another reason why I could not sleep, and so I got it off my chest and wrote to my ex. My mind has been thinking of him a lot, but I do not at all feel any liberty to call him after how things were suddenly left hanging between us. So I found myself in these past few weeks, perhaps the most emotionally challenging few weeks, restraining myself from calling him. And I found myself questioning the use of him being present at the funeral. Why ask someone to come all the way here, half way around the world, when for all I know he is still attached to someone else and in a relationship? I just don't want to be confused and having to restrain myself when I see him here, because I know I will throw myself at him, perhaps even pour my heart and tears out on him. And I can't do that, am not comfortable doing that, if he himself has unresolved issues.

I know, the situation with my ex seems so trivial to whom I have just lost and what depths of emotions I still need to work through. But I can't explain why: my mum's passing and the uncertainties with my ex are interrelated, and both have been constraining my ability to move on and move forward in life. Both issues, both dealing with my love and care for two diffident and very important people in my life, touch my heart to the core. One issue is resolved, and I feel more liberated after a beautiful farewell to mum. Now I want to resolve the other issue, however way, so I can start my life afresh and free from the past...

Only after writing an email did I manage to fall asleep. But even sleep was broken and not deep. I woke up with a terrible headache, and terrible sores. But a new day begins, and I must get mum ready to wash herself and eat, and get ready for perhaps more mourners who will drop by throughout the day...