My ex called to say he booked his ticket to come visit. This time two days from now, he will be here, most likely lying next to me. That is wonderful, and I feel I need someone close I could talk to.
We had a tense discussion about when is the best time to visit. I preferred him to arrive just before the funeral, which is next Friday, but he says if he does that, he can stay a maximum of four days. He wasn't "comfortable" to fly so long and fly so far to stay that short a time. Best for him is to come now, and leave right after the funeral. And that's what he's doing.
I appreciate him coming all this way for me, and I know with his work schedule he's hemmed in for time. but I have some little reservations about visiting at this time. Aside from the confusion and things unsaid between us, I still feel confused why he would come all this way to see me and be with me. What are we to one another? I guess I just want to know, need to know, before I can fully open myself up to him again, like I used to do so uninhibitedly. And I'm afraid to just open myself up and make myself vulnerable and delude myself there is something there between us more than just friends, when he is still caught in a tangled love affair that has not yet ended.
Other than this, I feel so unprepared for the funeral for a number of reasons. I really have no idea what will be happening next week in the run up to the funeral itself. And I haven't even really mourned or let mum's passing affect me too much. I have difficulty with the fact I've not even cried at all. And when I worship mum and offer her food, I feel I do it so hastily and half-heartfelt. I've not even had the opportunity or time to make her a proper meal, which I did for dad every day, twice a day, back when he passed away... It is as if mum's death doesnt bother me at all. And that's disturbing...
I think need the time to really cry, really mourn, and I feel (fear?) my ex's visit might just delay that expression of emotions (or maybe will do the exact opposite?). I know when he is around I will really want to entertain him, and make him feel welcome, but I'm afraid I won't be able to do that properly if I'm busy attending to arrangements and dealing with things as they happen...
Or maybe as a friend said to me, just let him come to the funeral. The rest can be the rest...
We had a tense discussion about when is the best time to visit. I preferred him to arrive just before the funeral, which is next Friday, but he says if he does that, he can stay a maximum of four days. He wasn't "comfortable" to fly so long and fly so far to stay that short a time. Best for him is to come now, and leave right after the funeral. And that's what he's doing.
I appreciate him coming all this way for me, and I know with his work schedule he's hemmed in for time. but I have some little reservations about visiting at this time. Aside from the confusion and things unsaid between us, I still feel confused why he would come all this way to see me and be with me. What are we to one another? I guess I just want to know, need to know, before I can fully open myself up to him again, like I used to do so uninhibitedly. And I'm afraid to just open myself up and make myself vulnerable and delude myself there is something there between us more than just friends, when he is still caught in a tangled love affair that has not yet ended.
Other than this, I feel so unprepared for the funeral for a number of reasons. I really have no idea what will be happening next week in the run up to the funeral itself. And I haven't even really mourned or let mum's passing affect me too much. I have difficulty with the fact I've not even cried at all. And when I worship mum and offer her food, I feel I do it so hastily and half-heartfelt. I've not even had the opportunity or time to make her a proper meal, which I did for dad every day, twice a day, back when he passed away... It is as if mum's death doesnt bother me at all. And that's disturbing...
I think need the time to really cry, really mourn, and I feel (fear?) my ex's visit might just delay that expression of emotions (or maybe will do the exact opposite?). I know when he is around I will really want to entertain him, and make him feel welcome, but I'm afraid I won't be able to do that properly if I'm busy attending to arrangements and dealing with things as they happen...
Or maybe as a friend said to me, just let him come to the funeral. The rest can be the rest...
No comments:
Post a Comment