Dreaming of the ex

A slap on the face was what I gave him. He looked stunned and was about to cry. A mutual friend of ours stood by next to us and was surprised by  my action, yet smiled. Did he deserve it, and for what? I don't know. I know only I was very upset at him for something. I've never physically done that to anyone before, and just hope I never will, whatever my ex does or did to me.

That was one dream. What was strange was moments later (or so it seemed), I had another dream of my ex. This time we were lying in bed, next to one another. It was, and felt like old times. Beautiful old times, when we could just lie next to one another, touch one another, feel each other's warm bodies and groins, and talk... The passion, the deep, deep passion was intense, used to be so mesmerising, used to make me weak and make me yearn for more. And it was all there in the dream.

But that is all over now. I have not thought about my ex like that for some time. Or at least I try not to. We are past that now. He told me to move on, go see other people. Because he has. Am I that forgettable? Was what we had so easy to replace and forget? All that in the past is slowly, slowly becoming a distant memory, perhaps one neither of us want (or just I don't want?) to be reminded of. Because it was too beautiful? Because it is too painful to remember?

It was the most bizarre set of dreams, which comes after my ex wrote in reply to an email I wrote to him about why I have been keeping silent and not wanting to talk to him. The reasons were all so clear to me on the night of my departure, and yet he says he does not remember what he said or what was said. He was vague in his email, saying he has had much time to reflect over the past two months or so. He said he was at times hurting and crying, and yet I was not there for him...

I know I have not been there for him, I know that too, and I apologised for not being able to be there for him. But I just don't understand why he has such an urge to want to talk to me when he is down? Is he not happily with someone else? If he has someone else already with whom he can be happy with, why can't he turn to that person and pour his heart out? I have no place in his life if he wants to move on with someone else.  I am and have been perhaps the very reason of his unhappiness and his inability to move on over the past year or so...

And who was there for me when I wanted to cry? When I wanted to talk? I could not turn to him, despite all the reassurances he said that he can be there to listen. Listen and then what? Distract him from his happiness, from the life he wanted to build up? Distract him with news about cancer, about the vomiting, the silences at home because mum cannot or does not want to talk much anymore? I care about him still, I love him still. Perhaps much too much after the painful things that have been said to me... But I'm not sure what role I can play in his life any more. This is a question I have been wrestling with for some time already...