Concern

"I'm worried that you might be 'cheated' on" (被人騙), mum said, in response to how I was talking excitedly about my plan to cycle around the island. Alone. It was a little after half past nine, but she was already in bed. The entire day, she has been so weak, so tired. And the severity of the numbness of her right hand has worsened. Even using a fork to pick food up is a struggle. Even using the spatula to stir vegetables in the wok is a challenge.

" 'Cheated' on? By whom? Please explain!" I said. In Taiwanese, a language spoken by a people who love euphemisms ambiguities, to be "cheated on" generally means someone taking advantage of you. In a variety of ways... gauging you with exuberant prices, exploiting you sexually, perhaps leading you astray and taking you to "improper" places. I really had no idea what mum meant.

"I'm just worried about you being on your own..."

"Worried! I've lived in London, not exactly the safest city in the world. I live in Montreal, where there are gangs and shootings and plentiful of drugs. I grew up alone in the Netherlands! Why were you not worried about me then, but worried about me in Taiwan?" I know a mother is always concerned. But in Taiwan there is a paranoia that danger is everywhere. I blame it solely on the news media and sensationalist newspapers that thrive on reporting on crime, suicides, kidnappings, fires, accidents and traffic crashes. Killings, rape, disgraced celebrities... everything and anything that is remotely negative can become news. And there are at least half a dozen channels that are dedicated to news alone. News about how a college student burnt herself using the hair curler, news about how a truck cruising the highway was seen 'unloading' cargo without the driver noticing... Most recently, the news of a celebrity and her boyfriend, who in a state of drunkedness allegedly kicked a taxi driver and caused him broken ribs, captured the nation's attention for several days.

"Taiwan is not that dangerous! Taiwanese people are the kindest and most friendly people I have come across," I said. I may be biased, but even friends from overseas who have visited my homeland have told me how touched they are by the warmth of the people, and by how willing people are to extend a helping hand to strangers. "Sometimes too kind," I said. And I went off on a rant about how historically Taiwanese people have  always been subjugated by another regime, the previous of which was the murderous Chinese Nationalists...

"You know why I want to go on this trip? I want to know my homeland" I said. Too many people who live here do not know the name of the local river nearby, and yet have been indoctrinated to know off by heart the names of rivers in mainland China. A phenomenon that I find alarming, and solely because the Chinese Nationalist regime for decades brainwashed people into thinking Taiwan is a part of China, and that we are all Chinese. Hogwash...

"And I want to find myself on this trip. I want to find direction, find out what I would like to do in life, what I want out of life," I explained. Why now? Because I can. Because I need to. I simply need to take the time for myself and clear my mind, get away a bit from being faced with mum's condition every waking moment... get away from the seeing mum sick, watching her vomit, seeing her lie in bed all day. Is it selfish of me to get away, to want to 'escape', especially as I am sure mum would do anything to 'escape' from her condition, to get away from her old, sick body....? Is it selfish of me to want to go off on a personal quest and soul-searching? I'm not sure. I can think of a lot of reasons why I would like to go off on my own and bike around for ten, twelve days. But what is the reason not to?
I think after all the time I have spent with mum, and with all that I do for her, I deserve a little time alone, I deserve a break.

I hugged mum, and lay next to her for a few moments. Silently, I hoped her body can rest... silently, I hope that she can have an undisturbed night of sleep, for she has for so many, many days been restless and sleepless, and it is wearing her down. "I know you care about me, and that you are concerned. But I will be fine. I really want to do this."

She smiled, and nodded.