27122011
14.36 Chicago time
A two hour delay at ORD, finally managed to take off and now at cruising altitude. I can hardly believe it, how just a few hours ago I was still at home preparing in a rushed rush for this sudden trip. And now I'm on it.
My ex was the first I told, and somehow news spread through the little community of friends. One by one they all came by to comfort me, one who even woke up upon receiving a text message in the middle of the night.
For two hours or so, the bunch of us sat in my little living room and four people had laptops, all searching frantically for the quickest and cheapest connection to Taipei. I composed myself, smiled, even made light comments here and there. Though they did not say much, their presence was enough to show me how much they cared about me, how much I mean to them. I thanked them, again and again, and felt apologetic for being a dazed. At one point, I even was so silly to apologise for being such a bad host and not offering anything to drink or eat...
To be honest, I wanted them to go (back) to sleep, for they all had to work or study tomorrow. What good would it do for so many people to sit around and stare at one another and being lost as what best to say in the circumstances? But I know, deep down inside I know, they are there for me, even though it felt like it was a lot of pressure to accept their kind concern.
Eventually I settled for redeeming my accumulation of flight reward miles for a return ticket, instead of buying a last minute ticket for over 2000dollars. My ex, being the online travel guru in finding good deals and values, managed to find a flight leaving at 8.15 going through ORD, NRT and eventually arriving at TPE at close to 9pm the next day. The surgery would have happened and perhaps even be done with, but important is that I'm there for whatever happens afterwards.
It was my first redemption, and within a second the hundred and sixty something thousand miles I have accumulated over three years and countless hours of flying were dramatically slashed. "I knew one day they would come in useful," I said. Though I always imagined I would use those miles to fly mum on business class to come see me again...
My ex suddenly announced he was coming along the moment after I confirmed my flight. I was livid, and grabbed his computer to stop him. After everyone left and went to sleep, and at close to four or so I began finally packing my bags. My ex lay on my bed ad began sobbing uncontrollably. I was the one leaving in a hurry, the one with a mother in hospital and imminently about to undergo a lifethreatening surgery, and yet my ex was the one who needed comforting...
For a long time, he told me he too dreaded this moment, and that he imagined he would be by my side when I take the long, long flight home. But I told him I was not comfortable, that had too many things to deal with right I cannot afford distractions. I simply cannot...
He made it clear to me he wants me to move on on Christmas eve. Just last week, when mum went missing for almost a day, he left the guy he is seeing in tears when he rushed to come see me. Imagine what it would do to their relationship (or whatever it is they have....) if my ex were to board the plane with me and fly away in the last remaining days of his time in Montreal... I simply do not want that, simply do not want to be the reason again for them growing apart.
As my ex told me frankly, he has wonderful times with the guy he's seeing, and yet he does not see any sustainable relationship there. I was puzzled why he was telling me this. Then at one point, he lay in my bed and told me outright: "Go see other people, move on!" when he knows fully well in the circumstances surrounding my mum hanging between life and death how slight the chances are for me to meet new people. How hurt I was then... So easy for him to tell me to move on when he himself already has... How insensitive that was when I am about to leave for who knows how long, and he tells me in the clearest way ever that it's all over between us... Was he trying to provoke me and bragging about how happy he is with the new guy, and imply that I have made him miserable and anything but happy all this time we have been together...? So why does he want to come with me on this long trip? I was simply baffled and lost for words why he was telling me all this just an hour or so before my departure. Here I was in shock, terribly distraught by the news of my mum's condition, and there he is telling me about his relationship status and telling me to move on... How much that hurt!
If he has wonderful times with the other person, if he can be happy and laugh and not be clouded by misery and heavy conversations and years (as he often is with me...) then why stay around me? Why not just go and be happy and forget all this?
He said he'd feel guilty for a long time to come, and in what felt like a veiled warning, he said if he does not go on this trip with me, a lot of things will change in the coming months. He explained the coming four days till he leaves to Toronto to start his new job will be the only time he can be there, physically, for me. And he wants to be there for me, he's always wanted to be there for me, regardless of whether we are in or our of a relationship.
I cannot feel anything else but be ever so grateful for his intention to be there. He really has done more for me than anyone else in the world, and he really has been so supportive and caring ever since we met, ever since that day on 9 december 2008 when we first connected and shared life stories. I shared my worries of my mum, I let him into my life from that moment on in ways nobody has ever gotten into my life, and he tells me that was the day he fell in love with me...
But things are different now, are they not? So many friends keep on telling me , and have kept on telling me, to keep my distance, to take the time and distance to get over him, to insulate myself from getting hurt again and again whenever he talks to or talks about the boy he's actively pursuing. "He's not worth it..." "You deserve much better..." But for a long time I refused to believe it, I was under the impression that one day he would turn around and say to me: "Let's start over..." He even told me to wait, to have patience.
Friends chastised me for continually (until just two weeks ago) doing special things for my ex, giving him special gifts that make him feel remorseful and unable to equalise or ever return the favour... Not that I do things for him expecting something in return, for I do things for him because I care about him, because I love him still... But these special gestures, like a surprise trip to his hometown, a very personal scrapbook and so many little things that touch his heart make him feel guilty and sad, makes him weep and cry. And while I am the one who is distraught and terribly shaken on the eve of my departure, who is the one that is doing the comforting? Who was the one crying?
I must stop everything, and just let the feelings between us fade or grow stronger with time and distance apart, for we have still been much too close since our "breakup" back in May, even since the time(s) I told myself to wish him well and let go of him... And going home alone to face mum's condition can be that break from the past, can be the one thing that I do for myself without him being around and too involved, for I need to prove to myself I can be strong, I can stand on my own...
And yet I weaken and melt when my ex cries in front of me and tells me he cannot bare to lose me as a friend... I soften and am the one who has to comfort him whenever he bursts into tears when I reject him coming deeper and closer to my life and personal issues nowadays. How can I do that, he asks me, after three years or so of caring about me, about my mum's condition? How can I even confuse and conflate his care for me and him starting a new relationship with someone when the two are not even related, he asks.
But they are. Somehow, in my mind they simply are. I have repeatedly told him how over the past year or so I have had to deal with two issues that are so very fundamental to my heart and to my life: my mum, and the greatest love of my life (yet?). And he does not seem to realise how painful it is to continually have to balance the two, to continually have to struggle in order to salvage whatever is left of the two... And what do I have in the end? A lover who left abruptly and for months kept me hoping that we would get back together, a previously strong and beautiful friendship that is in tatters, and a mother who is becoming so frail, so tired and so close to leaving me too.
What else do I have in my life? What will make me strong and have hope again?
However I explain it, my ex does not seem able to understand he cannot possibly be so close to me and want to run off with me (as well intentioned and simply as a friend in support of another friend) when he is seeing someone else. Imagine what the other person must feel like? When you want everything, you often end up with nothing at all... And I have a feeling he wants to have his happiness and fun with the person he's seeing, and still want to maintain that level of closeness and intimacy with me, still wants to keep me hang on...
And how can he separate deep affection for me and growing affections for another person and not be torn and conflicted? It has to end, I tell him. For his sake, to feel less torn and divided. For my sake so I can really finally prioritise and deal with my mum's issue and ailing condition... And for our sake, if there is going to be any "us" to speak of in whatever capacity in the future.
Just before the plane took off, I wrote him a clear and firm message not to come, and said he knows the reasons why. Not just because of the complications of him starting a new relationship, but also just because it'll seriously disrupt the end of his remaining days in the old life and unbalance the big changes that will occur in the new life he's about to begin. He does not need to spend the first days at his new job getting used to his new colleagues and environment and having to battle the terrible physical and mental stress of jet lag. And I have not even mentioned the prohibitive prices and long, arduous journey... That's too much to ask of anyone, especially for just a friend (even if it's a dear and very intimate one...).
But on the long long flight, other than thinking of mum, my thoughts also went to my ex. However much he's hurt me, really really hurt, I care about him still. Is it foolish and naive of me to do that after how terribly he's hurt me just before my sudden departure? I would feel so terribly responsible if in my saying no to his intention to visit me he would live with regret and remorse for a long time to come. How will that affect our friendship, how would that jeopardise the chances, if there are any left, of us getting back together?
I do not know, I cannot know...
And I just don't want to spend too much more time having to think and worry about this when my mum is in the hospital and about to undergo a critical, critical surgery.
There is a time and place for everything. And for now I must focus on my mother, and only on my mother...
08.03, TPE time
I slept. For how long I do not know. Time, date, day, night... It has all become a confused blur. Why was it afternoon when we took off and now only a few hours later already pitch pitch dark over the ocean? Why will it get bright again soon, only to darken to dusk by the time this plane lands in about 10hrs.
A little after eight in the morning the next day in Taipei. The time the surgery is scheduled to begin. I can imagine mum being wheeled into the operations room. Who was by her side? Who held onto her hand? Who gave her hugs and whispered to her ears softly telling her not to be afraid...? I asked my cousin to do all that, to hold her hand, to hug her and to tell her things will be ok.
For I am not there...
I am not there...
For I am still on my way, trying to rush there as fast and steady as I can, but the distances are great, and obstacles seem to be mounting. Another 14 hours or so, or even much longer now that the flight is delayed and I will most likely miss my onward connecting flight...
If only I could transport myself somehow into the operations room, watch over mum as she undergoes this life threatening, but also potentially life changing procedure. If only I could see her face, touch her forehead, wipe away any tears or sweat on her, and squeeze her hand to let her know I am thinking of her, I am loving her from afar...
But I cannot.
I simply cannot... Herein lies the powerlessness, the forlornness of a child, however well intentioned, however deep his heart is radiating in love, care and compassion for his frail, ailing mother. He is so utterly powerless in the face of the great distances of ocean and land that is separating his dear, brave mother from his arms...
I swear earlier just before waking I heard someone call my name... "Weiwei... Weiwei..." I swear the voice, that of a woman, sounded so much like my dear, brave mother's...
Where is the fear? Where are the tears? I do not feel them, I am so numb... Numb to the extent I feel guilty now. The bravery, the calm lingering still is soothing, yet at the same time so dehumanising. How can I not feel? Why do I not fear or dread or shudder any more?
My mind drifts and wanders... I try not to think too much, try not to let my mind run wild and start to imagine details and create images of moments that may make me weak and cry...
My mind wanders and drifts... From my mum to my brother, for whom it Is already one in the morning. I can only imagine how brother is lying awake, so scared, so torn as what to do, perhaps so guilt-ridden too... How many cigarettes has he consumed today? How much tears has he cried? Earlier as I spoke to my sister-in-law, I thanked her... Thanked her for being there for my brother, and for bearing with whatever mood swings and heaviness that may ensue in the coming days. For I know brother will be distraught, and he will need someone to comfort him, to hold him close...
ORD-NRT III
17.21 NRT time
Starting descent into NRT, with over two hours of delay. The connecting flight is scheduled to leave in around twenty minutes.
Eight hours since the surgery is supposed to have begun. No contact since I boarded at ORD around 14 hours ago, no news about the latest developments.
I wanted to call, because planes have satellite phones (though at exorbitant prices....) But I cannot believe in this day an age, there is no possibility to call or send messages from onboard this United Airlines aircraft. As beautiful and nicely revamped as the cabin may be, it does not change the fact the plane is still aged and dilapidated. Having comfortable fully lie flat bed does not make the cabin crew more helpful when you approach them asking for advice on flight connections, even when you tell them about the severity of the family emergency...
I at least slept. Deep sleep for a two or three hours. Normally I would watch movies on such long flights, but even that has lost its appeal. I slept, no dreams, no sounds, no disturbing thoughts. The gentle calm that has seized my mind since I got the phone call last night is still with me. Though, at various moments during the 12 hour crossing, I felt my ears itch- a sign (or superstitious belief?) that someone is thinking of me...
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