Christmas day

First few hours of Christmas day, lying next to my ex, who is breathing heavily and falling asleep. Tears, sobbing, crying... Before we used to fall asleep ao beautifully in each others arms, before he said to me there was no other place (other than his own bed) where he slept better than with me...

And yet lying next to me, I seem to have the ability to make he cry, make him sad, remind him of the unhappy things in life, remind him of what could have been but is not. I feel terribly apologetic, terribly guilty, and bitter. How did two beautiful friends,  two lovers, somehow turn so sour and allow a growing distance between them to drive them seemingly further and further apart? How did two people who used to tell each pterosaur everything somehow descend into moments where tree are awkward silences and many things left unsaid...?

Is it me, me because I've been too tenacious, too fearful of losing him and therefore have been trying too hard to hold onto him, but in the process am pushing him, repelling him away?  There is a gap between us though we sleep on the same bed...

A terribly and frightening divide I once thought could and would never surface. Yet it is there... My heart and his heart are drifting apart... We are in different places now, perhaps we have always been in different places, wanting different things, needing something different from one another...  And now that is clearer than ever before, nine days before his departure from this city, and perhaps from my life...