Treatment

Warms tears rolled down my cheeks almost immediately.

She could not see them, and for the next ten minutes or so, she could not hear them. Mum could not see her child was crying as he spoke to her on the phone.

She was hesitant to tell me at first. And I had to ask to find out. If I didn't ask, she would have just told me how a friend came by to visit and how they had a lovely dinner and walk afterwards together. The fact that she went into the hospital to see her main physician and that she immediately went to do chemotherapy would have gone unmentioned if I didn't ask...

The latest scan revealed the tumour on the spine has grown only bigger. "Cancer cells are so scary," she said, "They're growing..." She needs to restart chemo, and five, six sessions are planned ahead.


"Please, focus on your future..." she said, "Do what you need to do..." She said she can't go to Europe as planned to see her grandchild. Chemotherapy is planned for the next ten weeks. It's best, according to the doctor. Will she even see her grandchild in person, ever...?


I could not contain my tears, just as I cannot control them now. Warm, blinding, comforting and yet painfully they escaped my eyes so naturally... But I could contain my whimpers, my sounds of grief, suppress them, silence them until I pressed "End Conversation" on Skype and put down my phone. Then the sounds of grief, of sadness came pouring out... Luckily I was alone at home. The sighing, gasping, the pain, the loneliness, the sense of having lost all control is so immense, so overwheliming.


I wished I could comfort her... hold her and reassure her. But I am so powerless, so very, very powerless... I feel drained already by the latest news, so sapped of all energy to even eat, to even get out of bed. Mentally, I see myself packing, jumping on a plane and returning home. 

Was I crying for her, or for myself? Was I crying because she has to once again face the treatments, the hospital visits and the side-effects all by herself? Was I crying because I am again so very, very torn by what I should do, need to do...? I just began to tie up the loose ends of my thesis... I just enrolled in a language course, I had set myself to starting preparations for my equivalency exams... Again and again, it seems every time I try, every time I want to do something for myself, something pulls me away...

All I can say is that my fears, my worries and anxieties, already rising after our brief conversation last night and which made me sleep so badly, are surfacing and taking over my mind like a violent, violent storm.

How much more can I take...?