Goodbyes

Our eyes were red and moist. There was a chill in the air, and I longed for his arms around him to keep me warm. Later when we hugged goodbye, he said my body was very warm.

We spent a couple of hours talking. Work we wanted to, but I for some reason needed, wanted to see him. Perhaps it was against my better judgement, and actually I didn't know why I wanted to see him. Maybe find that reassurance, or offer him reassurance, that despite all odds, despite all uncertainties, we can still talk, cry and laugh...

We spoke about goodbyes. Childhood goodbyes... how he always, since he was a kid, looks back when saying goodbye. I recounted the difficult, difficult and teary goodbyes, the many goodbyes I have had since my parents left me in Europe.

He cried as he listened to me recount vivid memories of my childhood. He cried because he loves me, he says. He cried also, at one point, because I said something that had been on my mind for so long but never had the courage to say... How I wish to find stability... how I sometimes wish mum would just pass away, quietly, peacefully, so I don't have to worry, so I don't have to always have the suitcase half prepared in the event that I need to buy a ticket and hop on a plane the next day. Such a terrible and selfish though that is... how can I even think of that at all? How can I place my own future and happiness before the wellbeing of my very mother who is unwell and afraid? I burst out in tears as I said those words... however much I want her to be around and to make the most of her life, sometimes I do think it would be easier if she just quietly left...

He cried because I cried. He cried because he cares so very much and wants to see me happy and have a stable life, without having to think of the next plane journey... But how can he feel so deeply for me, love me so much, when he wants to be with someone else? How can he say that we are so compatible in so many ways, and yet have doubts of us together? Deep down inside, he knows and he admits I am the 'best' person he has encountered. Yet how painful it is to hear that when he for some reason still clings on hope and feelings for another person... When I hear those things, when I hear him say "what if..." or "if only", I go quiet. It is all in the past now... 

I'm not bitter and angry at him, but instinctively I want to stay away from him for my own benefit. When he asked me whether I still love him, I said at first, less and less... But truth be told, perhaps I am just convincing myself of that, telling myself that if I could say that, then I feel it too. But no, I still care about him, think about him, lie in bed missing him and his body next to mine... I wonder what he is worrying about, what is weighing him down, and what I could possibly do to take his burden and worries away so that he may smile that beautiful smile of his again. Truly, I think about him, care about him the way I care about my own mother, and nobody has able to make me feel that way, ever. 

But perhaps that is the problem... We have become too close, to intertwined in one another's lives that it is hard to let go. I told him, again and again, I want to 'disappear', be on the margins, especially as his heart is set on being together with the other guy. I am ready, however difficult it may be, however irresistible the temptation is to go see him or want to talk to him, to slowly fade away from his life. Because that is the only way I can think of that will make him think of me less (and make me think less of him...) But he said he cannot stop caring, cannot stop loving... and he will never stop caring or loving me...

We hugged just before parting ways and exchanged silent goodbyes with shallow nods and deep gazes into one another's eyes. I walked away, slowly to my own desk on the third floor of the library.

And contrary to what I have always done, I did not look back... Consciously or not, I am not sure.
But look back I did not...

I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you

Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over