What would you do to prove how much you love someone?
How much of yourself would you give when there may not be much time left?
How brave and patient can you be?
These are questions that fill my mind during my waking moments, and which permeate my dreams when I close my eyes to rest my tired body and try to calm my sad, sad soul these days.
A friend of mine, a "soulmate" of sorts as we have undergone similar experiences and fears with respects to losing our mums to cancer, wrote me a long email today. She read my recent blog entries, and said she felt/feels what I feel now. That deep sense of fear, deep sense of frustration and panic, the longing to hide from the rest of the world, and the urge to cry and cry... She went through all that, she is going through much of that still, almost a year after her mum left this world...
I was touched, very touched, by her words and encouragements. They are a welcome source of support from afar at a time when I need it most, at a time when I am facing perhaps the most challenging test of my life (yet?), of anyone's life. Really, what could be more frightening, more traumatising, more unbearable than losing the one person in your life who has been there since your birth?
My friend knows how I feel, and I mean no disrespect by sharing her words to me here (sorry, I know you wrote these words privately to me, but they are very beautifully written and very meaningful...). Her words come from the heart, from the brave and partly broken heart of another who has had to live and fight alongside a cancer warrior. Her words best describe themselves:
"... in the end, this kind of situation is overwhelming. [...] But has it been planned, and so has it to be. Try to provide your mum with peace, and to expulse your pain whenever you can. I wish I could help more. [...]
There is no magic recipe how to handle the situation, in fact. You will suffer. You will cry. You will hate. You will criticize yourself.
But in the end, you will have to admit you have always done what was expected from you, and even more. You gave yourself to your mum's condition. This is an amazing proof of devotion to your mum, and a precious gift you made her.
Cry, write, shout, pray, as the illness is a vicious seed that comes into the human body and spreads relentlessly.
Be sure that your parents are incredibly proud to have a son like you, your friends are proud and amazed by the friend you are, and that you will always have a friend to support and encourage you."
On mum being angry and irritable, especially as her illness progresses and as the chances of a full recovery of health and life seen slim, my friend had this to say:
"I understood she had nothing against me, but that this was more [...] coming from the deep of her soul, trying to say "I love you so much, and I am sorry, I am sorry I have to go. Do not blame me for that. I am scared too. Keep being here for me."
There is a reason why my blog is updated often daily these days. Strangely, and to put it crudely, death is fascinating, inspirational, and experiencing illness (as a bystander...) draws out dark energies of negativity as well as positive energies of creativity I have rarely experienced before. And instead of breaking down and crying and lamenting my fate (I do it too sometimes, I know...), I have found I can use that time and energy to write, write, write. For myself, for mum, and for the world to see and share.
Death, the slow and forceful approach of it, makes you realise again and again "life is only so much!" How sad it is that so many of us live with regret, so many of us live with hate and anger brewing in our hearts (and I am no less innocent of these ills...)! When all is said and done, what could be worse than to let the chance to love and care for someone you love deeply slip away? What could be worse than turning away from someone you love at a time of despair and need? That's why I am here, gritting my teeth if I must, crying inside if I can, but standing by my mother's side as she prepares for journey's end.
My blog is my dearest source of outlet these days, a dark hole where I can vent all my frustrations and anger and turn to and not be afraid of rejection. There are strong emotions I cannot express in front of my mum, there are feelings I cannot talk to anyone about. But I can write about them, right here, to share with the world and share with unexpected readers who may be facing similar difficulties and having similar feelings.
I know there will be times when I am so consumed by despair I want to hide and hide... I know there will be times when I will quietly cry and wonder why this is all happening... There are times when I wonder why there is no one next to me who can hold me, kiss me and tell me softly "It'll be all alright..."
But I am brave, I am strong, I have been through so much over the past few years. And I can get through this, one day at a time...
How much of yourself would you give when there may not be much time left?
How brave and patient can you be?
These are questions that fill my mind during my waking moments, and which permeate my dreams when I close my eyes to rest my tired body and try to calm my sad, sad soul these days.
A friend of mine, a "soulmate" of sorts as we have undergone similar experiences and fears with respects to losing our mums to cancer, wrote me a long email today. She read my recent blog entries, and said she felt/feels what I feel now. That deep sense of fear, deep sense of frustration and panic, the longing to hide from the rest of the world, and the urge to cry and cry... She went through all that, she is going through much of that still, almost a year after her mum left this world...
I was touched, very touched, by her words and encouragements. They are a welcome source of support from afar at a time when I need it most, at a time when I am facing perhaps the most challenging test of my life (yet?), of anyone's life. Really, what could be more frightening, more traumatising, more unbearable than losing the one person in your life who has been there since your birth?
My friend knows how I feel, and I mean no disrespect by sharing her words to me here (sorry, I know you wrote these words privately to me, but they are very beautifully written and very meaningful...). Her words come from the heart, from the brave and partly broken heart of another who has had to live and fight alongside a cancer warrior. Her words best describe themselves:
"... in the end, this kind of situation is overwhelming. [...] But has it been planned, and so has it to be. Try to provide your mum with peace, and to expulse your pain whenever you can. I wish I could help more. [...]
There is no magic recipe how to handle the situation, in fact. You will suffer. You will cry. You will hate. You will criticize yourself.
But in the end, you will have to admit you have always done what was expected from you, and even more. You gave yourself to your mum's condition. This is an amazing proof of devotion to your mum, and a precious gift you made her.
Cry, write, shout, pray, as the illness is a vicious seed that comes into the human body and spreads relentlessly.
Be sure that your parents are incredibly proud to have a son like you, your friends are proud and amazed by the friend you are, and that you will always have a friend to support and encourage you."
On mum being angry and irritable, especially as her illness progresses and as the chances of a full recovery of health and life seen slim, my friend had this to say:
"I understood she had nothing against me, but that this was more [...] coming from the deep of her soul, trying to say "I love you so much, and I am sorry, I am sorry I have to go. Do not blame me for that. I am scared too. Keep being here for me."
 | |
| An empty elevator on the 11th floor... |
Death, the slow and forceful approach of it, makes you realise again and again "life is only so much!" How sad it is that so many of us live with regret, so many of us live with hate and anger brewing in our hearts (and I am no less innocent of these ills...)! When all is said and done, what could be worse than to let the chance to love and care for someone you love deeply slip away? What could be worse than turning away from someone you love at a time of despair and need? That's why I am here, gritting my teeth if I must, crying inside if I can, but standing by my mother's side as she prepares for journey's end.
My blog is my dearest source of outlet these days, a dark hole where I can vent all my frustrations and anger and turn to and not be afraid of rejection. There are strong emotions I cannot express in front of my mum, there are feelings I cannot talk to anyone about. But I can write about them, right here, to share with the world and share with unexpected readers who may be facing similar difficulties and having similar feelings.
I know there will be times when I am so consumed by despair I want to hide and hide... I know there will be times when I will quietly cry and wonder why this is all happening... There are times when I wonder why there is no one next to me who can hold me, kiss me and tell me softly "It'll be all alright..."
But I am brave, I am strong, I have been through so much over the past few years. And I can get through this, one day at a time...
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