Remaining affairs

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"I want to eat vegetables," mum said, "I've not eaten for a long time." I told her she can chew the vegetables but would then have to spit it out again. Otherwise the food remains will collect in her stomach and come pouring out like everything else she ingests. It was not her only request, for earlier she asked my aunt (mum's youngest sister) who came up a day ago to help out, to cook some fresh fish soup.

Mum looked a little better (or did I feel that way because I heard my aunt say it to mum early in the morning...?) and I suggested to go to the bank. She has been telling me there are some affairs she needs to take care of, things that have been on her mind for some time, and caused her so restlessness.

We left the apartment and suddenly mum turned to me and told me to go back upstairs to pick up some documents. "I need your bank details..."

I protested when I realised one of the reasons why she wanted to go to the bank. She wanted to transfer some money to me, just in case. I protested again and said I have more than enough already, and said she should keep whatever she has in case she needs it for treatment and whatnot. But she was getting irritated and having pains from standing around for too long.

"It is her wish..." I thought to myself as I went upstairs to collect the documents she needed. Her wish, just as she wished to eat vegetables and have fish soup. Who am I to protest against her wish? If she feels happy, if it makes her happy, why make a fuss?
Who am I to stop a mother wanting to make sure that when she is no longer around, her child will at least for some time have some means to live on?

We went to the bank, a branch of the same bank where dad served his entire working life, which over three decades. Every time, it feels so heart warming going to that bank, and everytime I'd look around and the staff (especially the older ones) and wonder whether they knew dad. Today it crossed my mind that in a few years, the older staff will have retired and gone, and gradually no body will have known dad or known that dad worked here before...

Mum sat down as I filled in the necessary forms to do what she wanted. It felt so unreal, for mum was so close by, yet unable to even properly lift a pen to deal with very personal affairs. She looked so tired, even though most of the time she was sitting down. The bank clerk was very patient and kind, even when it took me a really long time to fill in necessary forms (because my writing skills are very poor...). Occasionally I'd glance up to keep an eye on mum, who sat a few steps away and looked like she was in a lot of discomfort.

We were only out for about forty minutes or so, and we took the taxi there and back so mum did not do much walking. But she said she felt exhausted, so we had to cancel a planned visit to another bank, where in a safe she had deposited her valuables and her will (I know it's there, I went with her to put it there last year, but I don't know what it says...) Events in the past year or so, especially with the birth of her grandchild, has made her want to review her will. That must wait another time I guess. But deep down I was saddened that mum did not have the chance (or energy) to deal with this very important task today, for I know making changes to her will has been on her mind for a while. Especially with her health so fragile and (to be blunt...) death seemingly looming so close by, I think mum would feel more at ease if things could be dealt with beforehand. She later told me, if necessary I can open the safety deposit box on her behalf with her ID card and seal.

"You'll have to tell me someday about your bank accounts and such..." I said to mum. Not that I'm vying for what assets she has, but really it's a confusing mess as mum has accounts here and there and some shares in this and that company, and I've not really been keeping track. From the experience of dad's passing, I remember it's a lot of hassle to close down different accounts and sell shares, and mum did it most of the work. When the day comes, most likely I'll be the one who has to deal with a lot of the financial details, and it's a lot of work.

I too felt exhausted from such a short trip to the bank, strangely. I know partly it's because I've been sleeping terribly and am almost nightly disturbed by dreams and hauntings of death. But truth be told, it's tiring enough to see mum weaken day by day, it's tiring enough to have to be constantly vigilant and prepared to head into hospital at a moment's notice... But, as much as I know it's important to be prepared, the "after-affairs" (affairs after mum's passing away...) are heavy and very hard to think about and deal with now.