I've been longing to watch this movie for a while, ever since it came out last year. It received great reviews and broke box office records for a locally produced movie. But I was afraid to watch it because of fears it may trigger a flood of emotions and tears caused by my breakup with my ex.
Today was the tv premier and I watched it together with mum in the comfort of her new private suite. Even mum has been wanting to watch the movie, for it is based on a novel which beautifully captures the romance of high school puppy love back in the day. There is a reason that the movie (and novel) captivated the nation's audience, for it is a trip down memory lane to those pubescent days when love and intimacy felt all so taboo yet exciting.
In mandarin, the title is "The girl we were all after in those years...", about a bunch of adolescents who all have a crush and all want to go after the same girl. The main characters are in a love-hate relationship, and the girl plays hard to get even though she too likes the boy a lot. As she explained to him one day, many years after their high school years, the initial romance and chase is the most exciting... she never really reciprocated earlier because she was afraid that the romance would die soon after the chase is over...
Those words spoke to me, for for a long time I played hard to get with my ex, even though deep down I care about him, perhaps even love him without realising it. Had I been clearer, had I not been playing games and playing hard to get, perhaps there would not be so much heartbreak, perhaps we would not become so estranged, and perhaps as I am dealing with my mum's slow decline, I would have a comfortable friend and lover I could feel free to turn to at any time.
But what never was will never be, as I once wrote to my ex. What is the point of talking and regretting over what ifs or ponder what would have happened?
In the movie, fate twists and turns and only time can tell whether two people are meant to be together, whether two people and their love for one another ia true and lasting. Is that not the way it is with my ex and me? If he truly has found his love, what else can I do but let him go, as I have done already, and wish him the best, however much that may hurt? What else can I do but just withdraw from his life and let the new person take care of my ex's needs?
As the credits came on, my eyes were a little moist and my heart was singing in the beauty and warmth of the romance portrayed by the story. Love that could not be, love that so strong an mutual and lasting... Is that not the most beautiful kind of love?
Naturally mind drifted to my ex.... I truly genuinely wish he is happy with the person he is now, and I have by making distance and deliberately not contacting him, maintained my distance so he can resolve me and move on. That seems to be his wish, and he has his wish. Whether or not that wish coincides with me does not matter. If you truly care about someone, you let him go, you let him be free to go after his heart's true desires. True love is when you can smile and be happy that the one you love has found someone and is well taken care of.
But truth be told... And I will write this here even though I know one day he will read this and know exactly how I feel. I am not afraid to express how I feel, for who should be ashamed of their live for someone? Who can ever be afraid to say out loud how much you care about someone and love someone still, despite a lot of ugliness and hurt (both ways) between us in the recent year and recent months?
Yes, as a dreamer and a romantic, I imagine in my head that one day when we meet again, the passion, the fire that was so prematurely dimmed will be relit. How beautiful that would be if it is ever to become reality! How happy I would be, as I believe he would be too, if what he tells me about how deeply he loves me is true and from his heart.
I dream that he will again do something to move me, to touch me, do something so special for me that I will again be in his life, and he in mine...
Only time will tell whether. Only time will bring us together or make us drift apart, for it is meant to be what it is supposed to be.
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