Pictures

One minute we were smiling, reminiscing as we looked at pictures from the past. The next my friend pulled away and stood with his arms folded looking vulnerable. His eyes became moist and red.

He rarely cries. "Stiff upper lip", as they call it, and Brits do it best. But his lips were wavering, and the tears were close to trickling down his eyes. I wanted to go and hold him... but I froze and felt uncomfortable.

What we had just seen and what had touched us all was the picture of a Valentine's bear he had sent me back in February this year. We had just become an item, and he put a lot of thought and effort into sending me a package stuffed with hearts and chocolates and lovely greeting cards. I was away at the time, accompanying mum through her treatments back then, and needed the support. I always burst into tears when I opened the package... tears of joy, tears of sadness and longing. Never before have I reiceved something so special, so thoughtful. Even more so because after all this time, we were finally together. Even though we were not together, I was his, and he was mine.

What made my ex tear? It is all over... all of that is over, and was ever so fragile to begin with. Behind the hearts, the cards, there were already the elements that would eventually lead to our break up. We had it all, or so it seemed, but even then, little did I know, he was torn and distracted by his feelings for someone else.

Perhaps it was that realisation... that it was so beautiful, it was all so wonderful, that we were both so happy together but can no longer be is painful to bear. Perhaps that is what made him tear? Perhaps that is what made me so numb, so numb... When you are numb you do not feel hurt, you do not feel at all.

I try not to think back. I try not to picture in details or imagine the words that were said or places we have been. Because it is difficult to reconcile the fact that from one moment to the next everything could break down. So fragile was our relationship, so fragile is life.

Ironically, when I was away, I sent him a porcelain doll-- one of a pair that was given to me by my brother and his wife at their wedding. I wanted my ex to hold on to and keep the doll safe until my return, until when the two porcelain dolls are reunited again. A very touching, symbolic and intimate gesture that was. He did receive the package, but accidentally the doll fell and broke into many, irreparable pieces. He immediately wrote to me to apologise, to tell me how terrible he felt... I said it was not a problem, because it is just a symbol, and not the real thing. Who knew... who knew at the time...

It took a little while for me to collect myself. And then I wrote him a little note, for old time's sake: let's not look at the past and cry, but smile.

And I do hope we can do that...