Little notes

It's been a week or more since I last went to his apartment. I walked into it slowly, almost cautiously and looked around. It was cleaner, more organised than before. I looked around some more, and noticed that some things are missing.

In the last few months, or over the course of us knowing one another, I have this habit of leaving little notes behind. Often marked with a smiley, or signed with the cute and familiar name that my parents have called me since I was little. Little notes that say "Be happy!" or "Thank you for the dinner and wonderful night together"... Little pieces of paper that say and show that I care, and that say how very much I appreciate his love and care. little pieces of paper that I hope can touch his heart and make him smile and smile.

They have all gone now. I looked around, and nothing is left behind, swept up and gathered into a drawer, hidden from sight. I know I told him one day, soon after we broke up to clean up and said that it may help him move on and get past me. Even in my own house I did that, and gathered pieces of notes and cards I had written to him and he had left behind. But seeing it happen at his place feels strange, and his apartment is no longer the same. It's another sign that I dont mean the same to him, and can no longer play that role I used to play.

I remember when he broke up with his ex that there were still so many mementos and pics of his ex lying around, even months after their break up. I even went to help him do that one day, because he was crying and had difficulty taking things and putting them away...

Of course that was a four year relationship. But with me, it seemed like it was quicker and easier to clean away little things, little marks I had left behind. If it's any consolation, he did tell me the other day that he cried and cried as he was cleaning his apartment and as he came across all those notes and cards I wrote. Nobody has cared for him, supported him, stood by him like I have, he said. But it is just confusing and frustrating that the circumstances are such we can no longer be together...

Maybe that's not fair of me to conclude, but seeing the apartment again looks and feels so foreign and distant. It's no longer the same place I've found to be welcoming and familiar.

That night, though we went out with common friends and stayed out till late, I took the metro home. In the past I most likely would have stayed over at his place, but it just felt strange now, even though my heart wanted to follow him home and sleep next to him like before.

But things have changed, and ad cruel or difficult and painful as it may be, so too the heart must change.