Changing expectations

At the end of the day, when all is done, when all has been said, there is only so much left.
And then you realise, whatever was there has changed, and the expectations must change with it.

And you are left to evaluate your relationship, your friendship together. Are we really so great together, so compatible, in whatever capacity, whether as friends or lovers? Or have I (have we?) been just too comfortable with what we know, because we do not know any better?

I would like to think we have been really wonderful together, and that we can still be very close, very intimate (in whatever capacity). I would like to believe and know that we mean a lot to one another, and that even little conflicts and tensions cannot sour that special bond.

But some events over the past two days, outbursts of temper and frictions between us, make me think twice. At times, I'm so lost as to what I did or said to provoke my friend that he can just suddenly raise his voice at me or lose patience. Yes, I am indecisive, yes, I can be stubborn and want to do things in a certain way... but I never (or rarely) mean to provoke, let alone try to antagonise someone.

And when someone raises his voice, or tells me he has lost patience with me, I freeze, I withdraw. It's not healthy, I know, for how am I supposed to deal with people out in the "real world" when I start to work or get into society? But, it reminds me of how I grew up being shouted at and having to put up with almost daily swearing and oral abuse. And it shocks me into freezing up, shutting down. It's a natural instinct, at least to me... an instinct of self-preservation and protection. I lose the will to defend myself, to want to explain, to respond. Instead I turn away.

And I feel myself doing that now...