In flux

Mum was avoiding the topic, but so was I. Just small talk... What have you been up to, what did you just eat for dinner... I told her I've been busy with my thesis and was about to go to tennis lessons.

Then I asked. Faced the facts as difficult as it may be. "How was the scan today?"

She was hesitant to talk about it. "Fine..." as usual, a lot of waiting and a whole afternoon gone. They inject you with trace amounts of a fluid radioactive marker that reveals "problem" areas better in order to make a better diagnosis.
Results due next Friday.

The doctor said they'll wait and see. But chemo is not ruled out. "Please don't rush home again. Focus on your work..." she told
me.

Inside, my heart sunk to another depth. I made my way yo tennis, my last lesson with this great coach I've had for over a month. For a while, while I was playing, I could distract myself.

But now the worries, the concerns are flooding back. Dates, plans, deadlines are spinning in my head, changing, in an unstable and uncertain flux...

I am again so torn, so weighed down by the latest news... And now it's different because I have to bear through this alone, can no longer rely on the support of my ex.

But life must go on somehow. It must go on somehow.