Time alone...

My friend called me, and sensed something is wrong.

I have so much trouble hiding my emotions. In fact, tears are coming out now as I type. I have so much trouble hiding my emotions, most of all from him. He had a lovely evening planned with friends and asked me to join. I said I'm not in the mood, and he knew something was bothering me. He said he'll go out and then come by my place later.

But I don't want him to be there. I don't want support, I don't want comfort, at least not from him. I cannot go on and on being dependent on him. That is part of the problem, and part of why I'm crying... I know he cares deeply, and he has ever since we met. But he cannot continue caring so much, caring so much in a way that so difficult for me to accept. I can only accept this kind of compassion, care, and dare I even say love, from a lover... not from someone who is just a friend, however special he may be. It is just the way my mind works... It's my own problem, my own inability to accept a love greater than anything else that transcends being in a relationship. Simply, I cannot deal with this level of care and love from someone I am trying to get over, and from someone who is trying to get over me. That's why I withdraw, that's why I am trying to shun his care and his feelings.... maybe one day he will just stop trying, maybe one day he will stop caring so much, and can focus his energies and love on that one special person in his life.

I told him I really need my time alone, and that I want to be alone. I need to tell myself and know myself that I can deal with things no matter what and not be so dependent and reliant on one person, any one person-- least of all on him.

Part of shutting down, shutting away and turning inward is trying to find myself, trying to rediscover that inner strength and tolerance that has kept me going for so long. And I need, for my own sake, for my friend's sake, to know and prove to myself I can be fine and stand up strong by myself, however averse the circumstances.