The day after

After the long talks over the past two days, my friend and I (together with another friend) went on a long bike ride. Biking is like our therapy. As usual, when we are on our bikes, there is this free, (and as he put it) "unpressured" feeling. That  freedom comes from having the wind, the speed, the open air (and late in the afternoon insects flying) on your face. At times we would race one another, go for speed down a stretch of open road, play a game where he chases me, or I chase him.

But the best is when we are biking next to one another, chit-chatting, giving one another little pokes here and there ( something 'fun' that we have come to do to each other). Then we are going at the same speed, in the same direction, and it is beautiful to turn to him and smile, and see that he is also smiling back at you. That is genuine happiness, unfettered, real and warming, however shortlived it may be.

Arriving home last night, it felt somewhat empty and quiet, and that feeling would only grow as the night wore on. After spending almost every single day of the past week with my friend, last night was one of the few nights I spent by myself. For a moment, I was unsure what I should do... then I decided to study a bit, and meditate before retiring to bed. Though I fell asleep quickly,  I woke up many times during the night, all sweaty and disturbed by images, persons, events that have been revealed to me over the past few days...

There is a heavy, guilty conscience weighing down on my mind... For the first time, my friend described in detail how wonderful it was to have met the boy he met back at the end of November, and how quickly a romance developed. But I came in the way, I broke off something that was budding and never had a chance to bloom. It was cruel, selfish, and it was wrong, but I did that... Now everyone is hurting, everyone is unhappy, and nobody has anything... In the end, I come home, and there is this emptiness that grows and grows inside which I have difficulty getting rid of, and which I can no longer just pick up the phone and ask my friend to talk or spend time with me.

I must be strong again... must learn to be alone, and detach from the (over)dependance and reliance on my friend for happiness and for comfort. I must again build up my life, as I promised myself to do earlier.